Tuesday, October 17, 2023

No One Likes to Lose

 No one likes to lose.


I’m a competitive person and I like to win. If you make whatever we are doing a game (I love games!) or a competition, then I become laser focused on winning and competition can make even a mundane task fun. I’m not a sore loser, but I don’t like to lose. For games and competitions that don’t matter, I can high five the winner, laugh, and shake off the loss instantly.


Today while I was driving home, I was processing some emotionally heavy things and I thought about how much loss I’ve had in this season of my life…especially the summer and fall have been tough. I know that no one likes loss but lately I feel like I’ve been taking loss incredibly hard. The word “loss” made me associate the word with “loser”and I hate losing. I know losing in a competition is not the same as feeling loss on an emotional level, but for some reason I began to wonder if the pain of losing people, relationships, opportunities, whatever it may be, has any connection to the feeling of losing in a competitive sense. I just don’t want to feel bad, whether on a very shallow level or deep level. lol My personality type is the type that has a major fear of being stuck or trapped in emotional pain. Again, I know that no one likes emotional pain, but avoiding it is not everyone’s driving factor. As I’ve been delving more into personality and how it relates to fears and motivations, I was surprised to realize that avoiding emotional pain is a major motivation in my life. I don’t like loss and I don’t like being a loser. 


From losing people to death to losing relationships/people that I thought would be in my life and close to me forever, to losing the day to day interactions with people due to them moving, or moving on, these losses have me in a grieving season which in turn has had me (at times) lose hope, motivation, happiness, and energy. I’m not always there but it’s taking an incredible amount of energy to not stay there in that place. When you lose people that you had envisioned being on your journey with you, you lose plans/visions for the future that they were included in, you sometimes lose your day to day normal routine, and sometimes even parts of your identity.


Why write this? Well, another huge part of my personality type is authenticity. So here I am, being authentic because social media isn't a place for me to go deep. Also when I hear other peoples stories and struggles, and how they are overcoming them, it gives me hope and motivation. So maybe, sharing my story will encourage someone else to keep going. Loss is a part of the human experience. It will continue to happen and have to be dealt with. So we can't just ignore it.


So what is my plan during this season? Try to process and try not to avoid the negative emotions, but truly feel them and experience them even though I want to run and just ignore the pain by being positive. I plan on blogging, writing songs, praying, reading, getting more physically active, and reminding myself that seasons are only seasons. They aren’t forevers. I will focus on truth rather than feelings. I remind myself that if I truly believe in my faith, that the God of the mountain is still the God of the valley, then I need to walk that out and trust it. 


Right now I have more questions in life than answers. I feel so disappointed in the outcome of so many things. And even now I’m fighting the urge to write “but I’m so blessed in so many ways” and list out all the fantastic things going on in my life currently because there are SO many blessings and positive things. As a coping mechanism, I tend to always spin the negative and ignore the pain by focusing on only positive things. That may sound healthy and optimistic, but you have to acknowledge and work through the bad stuff too. So this is me saying, “life sucks in some ways. So I’m gonna acknowledge these icky feelings, face my fear of being trapped in emotional pain, and try to dig myself out of this feeling as QUICKLY as possible!” lol I'm gonna trust that Psalm 34:18 is true: "The lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."


I will be ok. So will you.


Thursday, September 9, 2021



It’s Ok to Not Be Ok.

Those that know me know that I love personality tests and learning about myself and others. It has really helped me in self discovery, working in my strengths, working on my weaknesses, and knowing how to better communicate with other types and learn their needs, motivations, etc. Myers Briggs (ENFP here), the Enneagram (I’m 7 wing 6) and Strengths Finder (mine are: 1. Positivity 2. Woo 3. Strategic 4. Futuristic 5. Communication) have been the ones I’ve really delved into. 


As an ENFP/Enneagram 7, one of my greatest strengths is my optimism. I can find the silver lining in any situation. When I saw the image above, it really struck a chord in me. I don’t really remember a time when I couldn’t turn lemons into lemonade or a time when I felt really beat up by the lemons being thrown my way…until recently. Since optimism and lemonade making are kind of my thing, this sort of caused an identity crisis. All of these personality assessments say that I can easily turn lemons into lemonade, and really, I’m such a skilled lemonade maker that I could most likely turn a lemonade stand into a successful business! So what does it mean when I can’t? Big questions I’ve been pondering. 


Well, I’ve discovered that sometimes making lemonade is exhausting…and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean that I’m not grateful for all of the wonderful blessings in my life…there are really too many to count! Because really, I’m living out a lot of dreams I’ve had for a long time. For a little bit, I struggled with that notion…how can I complain about or be tired of the lemons when there are so many wonderful things? I’ve given myself room to feel/experience both. Man, that’s hard for me though.


I’m not here to judge the size of your lemons, but I’ve been known to judge mine. I kept thinking, “my problems aren’t big enough to warrant these feelings/frustrations when there are people dealing with way bigger problems.” I’m typically concerned with others problems and discount or diminish my own. Because I’m so positive, why would I want to dwell on the negative anyway? No matter how big or small the lemons are that are being thrown your way, they are still lemons and it’s not fun. I’ve learned you can’t live in denial and ignore them. You have to deal with it. If you know anything about Enneagram type 7’s, our biggest motivator in life is to escape emotional pain. So this is sort of like my worst nightmare! Lol 


What were/are my lemons? Well, I’m shocked you would ask such a personal question. πŸ˜‰ Some I won’t go into on here because this isn’t the place, but I will say that having several loved ones in the hospital with covid, fighting for their lives was truckloads of lemons. You feel so helpless. Add to that that, Covid had me extremely sick for weeks. I’m definitly not back to normal yet (I had some crazy symptoms) but I’m doing much better and on the mend. My whole family got sick the second day of our vacation that we had been waiting so long to go on. Then we were quarantined the whole time. So fun. We were out of state to attend the funeral of a dear friend that passed suddenly and were going to just love on the family and support as best we could, along with vacationing a bit. We couldn’t be of any help or attend the funeral. I was devastated and felt such guilt and I’m still processing the loss of that extraordinary life and the spouse and kids left behind to learn a new normal (I wrote a blog years ago if you want to know how I feel about “New Normal”). 


Also, during that quarantine process, while I was sick and out of state, I had some big emergency type issues with my business that needed attending to. I’m thankful for friends who stepped in to handle the situations that arose. My business is thriving and having a record breaking year and I’m so grateful that I can be gone, or get sick, and my team will keep things going smoothly. 


Some other dear friends are fighting for their lives with some health diagnosis’s that weigh on my heart and mind. Another family member has a diagnosis that needs a miracle and I’ve prayed and believed for it but like Proverbs says “hope deferred makes the heart sick”. Even though I haven’t seen the miracle I’m believing for, I will continue to pray and believe. I won’t give up. But sometimes it can get you down and despair tries to creep in. 


All of that, in a short amount of time, piled on with some other issues had me like the person in this cartoon…ducking and wondering how much I could take and when it would all stop. Every day I would wake up to what seemed like more catastrophic news. How much more could I take? I have gone through many tough things in life and consider myself to be emotionally and spiritually strong, but I read an article recently that said “it’s ok to not be ok”. That goes against my nature but I’m learning that it IS ok to not be ok. I give others so much grace with this but hold myself to a high, unattainable standard. I need to give myself the same grace, the same space to process and feel and regroup.


I’m pretty private about struggles, things I’m going through, emotional things, etc. so why share this? Well, I had a gut feeling that I needed to. Not sure why. I could speculate that it’s because someone else might need to hear it because they need to hear that it’s “ok to not be ok”. It could be because someone needs to be reminded that no matter how perfect someone’s life looks we all have issues (another huge value of my personality type is authenticity…I’ve aways gotta be real. I can’t fake or put on a show...but I will give everything a positive spin because that’s my nature).  It also may just be because I needed to get it off my chest, process it a little, and have it be a form of therapy. Who knows? But sit tight, I will be back to my lemonade stand business soon. πŸ˜‰And if you are going through anything that you need to get off your chest, and you don’t feel like blogging for the world to know your business, I’m a safe, listening ear. 







 

Sunday, July 17, 2016

The Beginning of the Hollywood Journey

I have done a lot of acting in the past, but none in L.A....which is a whole other level of professionalism and a bit crazy. But, now I'm here and beginning this journey of auditioning and hoping and believing that everything that I've done in the past has been preparing me for such a time as this. There have been good days, and hard days, but overall I'm living my dream and having a blast doing it! My husband, Ryan, has already signed on to produce two films and has other projects in the works. The people he's working with are some of the best in Hollywood and they are taking notice of his talents and abilities. It's SO fun watching him soar. I couldn't be happier.

I LOVE Washington state and I still have a place to go back to there  because I started another journey of being a real estate broker for Sotheby's International Realty in Seattle.  I've always wanted to delve into the real estate market and I'm having a BLAST doing it. So, I get to fly back and forth from L.A. to Seattle depending on where I need to be at any given moment. Anyone wanting to buy or sell in WA state, hit me up!

Because we have 5 kids and a dog, and didn't really know the L.A. area well enough to just pick a house down here, and didn't want to stay in hotels while we figured it out, we bought an RV. That gives our 2 year old twins the same bed every night and every day for naps (which is good for routine and stability) while we get to know L.A. and figure out where the majority of our work will be located. We are actually loving the RV life (most of the time! lol). We are parked at a 850 acre gated resort where the kids can run and play and swim in the pools, play in the splash park, play sports, and join all of the kids activities they have there. It feels like we are on vacation every day. Plus, the sun is shining EVERY DAY and there are palm trees to look at (I have a love affair with palm trees). So this always cold, damp, Seattle girl is in paradise.

Some days are more fun than others. The not so fun days are necessary because they make the fun days really awesome. I tell myself that when I'm swamped in laundry (my least favorite house chore), the kids are fighting, I don't feel like cooking dinner, everyone has cabin fever, and the dog has been whining to go on a walk. So today, I'm gonna tell you about one of the awesome days I had this past week. It's much more fun to write about than the day before my awesome day when I was cleaning the bathroom and accidentally left the bathtub running and flooded the RV...fun times. Which is a classic example of how that day made my awesome day even more awesome. lol

First of all, I had my very first L.A. acting audition. It was very easy and I wasn't even nervous (which is not usually the case! Especially since I took a break from acting when I got pregnant with my twin girls so it's been a while!). This particular audition was for a makeup commercial. They applied makeup and all I had to do was smile...easy peasy. I had been asked to audition for a film at the same time that morning but I had already committed to the commercial audition so I had to turn the other one down, but there are more of those types of things in the works so I'm not too worried about it.

Moments after my audition! (Feeling relieved)
L.A. traffic is crazy and even though the audition was only 45 miles away, I left super early in the morning and gave myself 2 hours to get there. I arrived to the general area of where I was supposed to be and realized they gave the wrong address...an address that didn't exist. There was no contact info so I had no way of getting ahold of them. I searched and searched and went into every building that had a suite 108 (I knew that part of the address was correct). Finally, right when I thought I had exhausted every possibility and was about to call it quits, I found the building. I ran in ten minutes late and explained to them that their address was posted wrong on the audition info they sent out...and they were grateful for the info because they couldn't figure out why no one was showing up to their audition times! So, crazy first experience auditioning in L.A.

Stopped at a stoplight &
 looked over & saw this view.
After that, I thought I deserved an IN-N-Out Burger for all my hard work. And let me tell ya, that was a good burger! I had an event to go to that evening in Hollywood, so I figured I would take the scenic route that direction...I drove through Malibu and Santa Monica and the sun was shining on the beautiful Pacific Ocean. I do love a beach view! I felt like I was living the dream until I got stuck in traffic on the 405...it was basically a parking lot...we didn't move. By the time it was all said and done, I had been in the car for 5 hours. I love L.A. but the traffic...ugh.


The highlight of
the day was going to
 the Screen Actors Guild National Headquarters in Hollywood for a panel discussion on acting. I was sitting in a room filled with professional, working actors in TV and movies and it felt so surreal. The talk was "Editor's on Acting: TV One Hour Drama". These are the current editors from Scandal, House of Cards, Homeland, Pretty Little Liars, and Daredevil, although they've worked on tons of other shows too (one guy got his start on McGyver...how cool is that?!).






I learned so much! The panelists discussed the elements of craft and technical skill an actor must execute to avoid the cutting room floor, and the decisions directors, producers, and editors make based on an actor's performance. In my opinion, editor's have one of the hardest and important jobs in a production.
Being a fan girl
with Jordan Goldman





One of the editors on the panel, Jordan Goldman, is the author of the book "How to Avoid the Cutting Room Floor: An editor's advice for on-camera actors". It's a great book and when I realized he was the author of a book that had been recommended to me back when I first started acting in Washington, I was like, "Whoa...I'm really here...with all of these people that are actually professionals in this industry and I'm not just hearing about them, or dreaming about joining them." Very. Cool. Moment.



With the amazingly talented and
all around awesome
human being, Peter Xifo.

My good friend, and fellow actor, Peter Xifo, invited me to this amazing event and I had a ball. I learned so much and if you are an actor, or want to be an actor, I recommend watching the video of this SAG TalkPeter has just landed some great tv projects and I am so excited to see him on TV soon (he can already be seen in a national Sansung commercial too!).

By the time I got home, it was almost midnight and I was wiped but had had the time of my life. The next day was laundry day...fun times. ;)

Until next time... 

Thursday, February 25, 2016

When the "New Normal" Obliterated My "Normal" Life

A while back, I was asked to submit a piece of writing to be published and the writing prompt was: "New Beginnings". It could be a poem, work of fiction, really anything. This is what immediately began flowing out of me. It's sort of a snap shot of one of the hardest days of my life. We are all on a journey and have our mountaintop moments and our valley experiences. No one is without scars and wounds. It's what you do with those experiences that will make you who you are. Normally I'm very positive and don't talk about or dwell on the tough stuff of life, especially on social media, but today I will leave a piece of me that isn't roses and sunshine. This experience that you will read, has had a huge part of shaping the person I am, and I can say that it has made me a better person.

Usually the word new implies something fresh, wonderful, and even desirable. But there was a moment in time when that one word effectively obliterated everything that I had ever known; everything wonderful and good in my life. Let me take you back a bit; pre-obliteration...
It was the end of seventh grade.  Our family had just moved to town four and a half months earlier so I was still the new girl at school.  Although my picture wasn’t even in the yearbook, I still wanted a copy because even then, I was nothing if not sentimental.  I wanted to be able to look back at it one day and remember the faces of the people who made me feel welcome in a new school, who graciously took me under their wings and called me their friend.  I took the yearbook home and spent all evening looking at every picture and reading every word.  The summer before I moved to town, one of the students had been tragically killed in a motorcycle accident and the yearbook staff had dedicated a section in the yearbook to his memory.  I never knew this boy, but reading about him and seeing his smiling face on the page in front of me stirred something deep within me.  I was 13 and couldn’t really put a name to what I was feeling, but now, looking back, I know that it was grief.  I was unexplainably sad.  It made no sense to me because I didn’t even know him.  I remember thinking that he was cute and had a bright smile.  His eyes looked sparkly and full of life.  The fact that he was robbed of his chance to live and share his charisma with the world threw me into a funk of epic proportions.  Okay, maybe not “epic”, but I was 13 and everything felt epic at the time.  This whole experience made me consider the reality of death and it caused me to reflect on my own mortality.  I fell asleep that night with a heavy heart.
                The next morning, I glanced over at my mom as she drove me to school.  She could always tell when something was bothering me.  So, I opened up to her about all the thoughts that had been plaguing my mind.
                “I don’t know why this is bugging me so much.  I didn’t even know him, Mom.  It’s just so sad… his poor family,” I rambled as my mom let me unload my mind.  “What would I do, I mean, if someone close to me died? Like, what would I do if I lost you?”
                Taking her eyes of the road for a brief moment, she glanced at me and said, “you would get through it.  You’re strong, God is stronger, and He would give you the strength to handle it.”  She said this like it was a simple math equation.  She had as much faith in this as she had in the fact that 1 + 1 = 2.  “Try not to let this weigh on your mind all day.  Oh, here’s your lunch money, baby.  Be good.  Love you,” she said as she leaned over for a kiss on the cheek.
                “Love you too, Mom,” I said as I shut the car door and headed to class. 
                Little did I know that a week later, I would be in the middle of a nightmare that I couldn’t seem to wake from; that I would need access to that very strength that my mom promised God would give.  I really hoped that it was just as simple as 1 + 1 = 2.
                Apparently, my mom had forgotten something and had to turn the car around and go back .  If she had just remembered.  If that single mom who waited tables to provide for kids hadn’t been in a hurry and hadn’t ran that red light.  If it had been on another road with a big open field to the side instead of a ravine. If my mom had any other choice but to swerve into oncoming traffic.  If the kindhearted man driving the 4x4 truck hadn’t been headed her direction.  If I could change any number of those things, life would be dramatically different.
                Nine days of praying that she would wake up and prove the doctors wrong, because if anyone could it would be her, even if only out of spite to prove them wrong.  Nine days of waking up, trying to figure out how to function through the chaos.  Nine days of bargaining with God and begging him to make everything better.  Her best friend, who was sitting in the passenger seat on that fateful day, was laid to rest during those nine days and I knew that when my mom woke up she would feel so guilty and so devastated at the loss of her partner in crime.
                Looking back on that ninth day, it seems like a dream; like I’m watching some movie play on a big screen.  I have always had more faith than really should be allowed.  I mean, at times it seems as though God accidentally gave me my share and someone else’s – maybe even a few someone else’s.  So, during those nine days I refused to even say “if she dies…” The closest I could get was “if the worst of the worst happens.”  Because even though I had tons of faith, I realized that I wasn’t God and I didn’t get to make the final decision.
                Day nine started out like the previous eight.  Someone would pick me up in the morning and take me on some fun excursion to try to keep my mind occupied while my dad stayed by my mother’s bedside at the hospital 2 hours away.  My older sister had friends that were trying to keep her occupied as well. My friend and I had just gotten off the boat and put our feet on the dock when I saw my dad walking towards me.  This was rare because he never walked down to the dock at my friend’s house; he always waited up by their house while I walked the steep pathway up. 
                “Dad I was just about to go tubing one more time.  Just once more, please?”
                “No, baby.  We need to go.”  The look on his face and the solemn tone of his voice caused my world to stop spinning. 
“Did the worst of the worst happen?” I whispered.
With sad eyes, he slowly nodded and wrapped his arms around me as we started to walk up the path.  I was experiencing a moment of shock as I looked back and mumbled to my friend “I don’t have a mom anymore.”  It seemed as if I could just voice it out loud, then it would sink into my brain and it would make sense. “Oh Dad, are you okay?” I immediately asked.  For some reason, my 13 year old brain was able to grasp the fact, in that moment, that he had just lost the light of his life, his wife, the only woman he had ever loved.  My heart broke for him.  Even now I can’t recall the words he spoke in answer.  I do however remember the look in his eyes.  He was lost but I had no doubt that he would find his way.  If anyone knew how to access God’s strength, it was him.  My next question was about my sister.  “How is she handling this?”
                “Not well.”
                “Drive faster Dad.  I need to be there with her.”
                I will never forget the scene before me as I walked into the house.  My eyes danced around the room trying to take it all in.  I am wired to always be considering everyone’s feelings in a given situation.  It’s a blessing and a curse.  It’s as though I feel what someone else is feeling.  I carry their emotions as I try to balance my own.  Sometimes it’s a heavy load to carry.  The weight I felt in that moment was intense and overwhelming.  My heart broke for the tough, 300 pound man sitting at the kitchen table with his head in his hands as he cried like a baby, for the woman sitting across from him staring off into space as tears kept falling out of her eyes, and for the countless other people in the room that were in pain.  I felt the need to apologize to everyone in the room for causing them added grief and pain because when they set their eyes on me, it was apparent that not only were they dealing with their own grief, they were saddened for me as well.  Some sat in silence with tissues dabbing at their eyes.  Some paced as they pulled at their hair in frustration.  People were everywhere, grief was heavy, and tears were abundant.
                My sister was lying on the couch, with her head on someone’s lap as she cried.  I immediately went to her and wrapped her in my arms.  I did my best not to cry that afternoon or really much at all, at least in front of people.  I didn’t want to add to their grief.  I didn’t want my dad or sister to have to worry about me when their own hearts were breaking.  I comforted them as best as I could all while counting on the fact that my mom’s faith formula for strength and God, really was as simple and true as a basic math equation. 
                As the sun was setting on that day, and the house was still filled with people, I stepped out on the front porch with my dad.  I needed to verbally process some things and he was always the best listener.
                “This hurts so bad, but I want you to know that I’m gonna be okay,” I said.  My 13 year old self was somehow able to understand that this was a defining moment in my life.  This had the power to make me or break me.  This could be an emotional stumbling block for the rest of my life or a stepping stone.  I made a definitive choice in that moment to use this horrific tragedy as a stepping stone in life...to grow from it. My mom would expect no less than me rising above the circumstance.  She wouldn’t have wanted my circumstance to define my peace, my joy, or myself.  I truly believed that she was in heaven and I was going to see her again.  This fact alone gave me an unexplainable peace.  I don’t understand how I could have such peace in the midst of so much grief and pain, but that was my reality in that moment.
                Thinking of the emotional upheaval of the previous 8 days, I said, “I can’t wait for life to settle down a little and get back to normal, Dad.”
                My dad wrapped his arm around me, and looked down at me with concern in his eyes.  “It will never be normal again, baby.  We can never go back to our old normal.  We will have to make a new normal.”
                In that moment, the C.D. playing the soundtrack to my life began skipping.  His words “new normal” kept repeating in my mind.  My whole life I have wanted the latest thing: a new bike, a new pair of the trendiest shoes, the newest album from my favorite band, the newest style of clothes…the list goes on. Always the new.  Never the old.  In that moment I realized that not only did I lose my mother, but I also lost the normal day to day life that our family had.  I didn’t just lose her, everything was lost.  New normal.  What is that supposed to look like anyway?
                In the days, weeks, months and even years ahead, I would find myself grieving over and longing for the old normal.  I would trade the new for the old in a heartbeat.  Even now, there are moments where the longing for the old normal catches me unaware and I have to take a deep breath to steady my emotions and wipe the tears. Sometimes I think about how much was stolen from me and it makes me mad. I feel robbed of so many experiences with my mom that I wish I could experience with her. 
                New things, new places, new beginnings.  These are all things that are usually desirable. But sometimes I think that new is overrated.



Friday, November 21, 2014

A Crazy, Tiring, Wonderful Journey

I'm definitely a person who is future oriented and doesn't live in the past, but today, I'm feeling rather nostalgic as I celebrate my twin daughters first birthday. This last year has been crazy, to say the least.  I never dreamt I would ever have twins. The possibility of that happening was never on my radar. So, when I found out I was having twins I was floored! You could have told me I had won the lottery and I wouldn't have been more surprised. We were really happy with our 3 boys and I never felt I was missing out on not having a little girl. We were done having kids...or so we thought. We were so shocked to even be pregnant, and then they tell us we were having twins! Then a few weeks after that, they tell us they are identical girls! Life felt like a whirlwind of crazy.

One year ago I had 2 preemies (born at 34 weeks and 5 days):




Some pictures of the birthday girls today, a year later:



It's impossible to get a selfie with the 3 of us. :) 



Having twin babies is a ton of work and "they" say that if you can make it through the first year, then the chances are good that you might survive the rest. ;) Well, we survived! Hallelujah! But not without a lot of sacrifice, and lessons learned. Here are just some (of the many) things I've learned in this last year.

1. Our whole family needed these girls. 
They bring so many smiles, laughs, and joy to all of us. As far as babies go, they are really easy and adaptable. Seeing the interaction between the two of them is so entertaining. They really light up our days (and nights!).  God knew what He was doing, even when I wasn't so sure.

2. The life and career sacrifices have been worth it.
I am reminded, daily, of what really matters. My life is so much fuller now.

3. I can and do still have a life. (But I have to make a conscious effort to do so).
I was worried that two babies meant the end of everything I loved and wanted out of life. As much as I love being a wife and mom, I know that it's not healthy for me to get solely wrapped up in those two roles, that I lose myself and my identity.  They are a huge part of who I am, don't get me wrong. And aside from my faith, my family is the most important thing in my life. But I am a better wife and mother when I have the freedom to learn and grow; to experience life, dreams, and goals. There are so many irons I have in the fire right now, and that's the way I love it.

4. We have amazing people in our lives that come along beside us and pick up the slack when they see we need it. 
What would we do without our true friends? I would be in the crazy house, I'm sure.

5. My boys are going to be amazing fathers. That's a fact.
They are so tender, loving, aware, and concerned with their sisters. Sometimes I think they take better care of them than I do. ;) When the girls do something cute, or pass a milestone, the look of wonder and pride in their big brothers eyes is so endearing. It makes my heart melt.











6. All the girly clothes and pretty things are way too much fun! And I might be a little obsessed with hair bows.  :)


7. It's nearly impossible to get a good picture of two babies being happy at the same time.




Has the last year been wonderful? Yes! But, just to keep it real, we've also had some crazy moments of sleep deprived melt downs, misunderstandings, and exhausted "conversations". But those are the moments you grow. How can you become a better person and grow if you don't have challenges? Gold is refined by heat and fire. So, I'm learning to be thankful for the fire. Because even though it's painful, the end result is worth it.  With that being said...let me add an 8th thing I've learned this last year (or been reminded of)....

8. I still feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be married to Ryan. 
I wouldn't have wanted to travel this crazy journey with anyone else. He's an amazing father. Even though there are moments we drive each other crazy, at the end of it all, he's the person I respect the most. No one compares. Men of character and integrity are few and far between. Plus he's super cute. ;)









Monday, October 13, 2014

Losing Life

I always thought my uterus was invincible when it came to having babies. ;)  I have 5 kids and each of them was a surprise...especially my twin 11 month old girls! I had never experienced the loss of a baby and never thought I would, especially since I was done having babies. 

But then we were surprised to find out that I was pregnant again! Apparently birth control wasn't working for me. After the initial shock and panic, I became excited. I envisioned my family with 6 kids. I played out all sorts of scenarios in my head just to wrap my brain around this new life coming into our lives. I began feeling like McKee Baby #6 was a part of our family and we began to prepare for the little ones arrival. A bigger house was needed, a bigger car, the collection of baby gear (I had gotten rid of so much stuff from the twins already), a bunch of maternity clothes purchased...the list goes on.

When we saw the baby on the ultrasound screen a few weeks ago, with a strong beating heart, it made it even more real. But this past weekend I felt that something was wrong and went to the ER Saturday evening to get the baby checked. There was no heartbeat. They called it "Fetal Demise". There is no reason really...nothing I did or didn't do. 

I never understood why women, who had lost a baby, were so effected and sad, especially early on in the pregnancy. I totally get it now. My hormones and body have been preparing for a baby and all of the maternal instincts had already started kicking in. I believe that life begins at conception, so to me this was a life. I was this baby's mother. So whether or not I ever held him or her in my arms, doesn't change the maternal feelings I have. 

So, I'm incredibly sad, and confused. Before I got pregnant, I wanted to be done having babies. But getting pregnant, and then losing a baby is messing with my head. I know I'm not in the emotional state to make any long term decisions, but I will say that I feel like we are missing one more little McKee to our bunch. Whether I will always feel that, I'm not sure.

No one ever talks about the ugly side of miscarriage. Like having to go through labor, but with no joy at the end to make it worth it. That was a hellish experience that I never want to go through again. I'm still in quite a bit of pain, physically, so it's taking all my focus off the emotional side of things. I had already begun looking pregnant. It's weird to still see this baby bump and there be nothing inside.

I came home from the hospital to see my "Baby #6" pumpkin sitting on the porch and a package that had just arrived in the mail that I had ordered weeks ago with t-shirts for the girls that say "Big Sister". This stuff isn't fun to deal with.

But I will say, that I'm doing ok. Each day is much easier than the day before. I'm an emotionally strong person that has experienced other kinds of loss and survived. I've been through way worse and I'm stronger and better because of it. So, even though Ryan and I are sad, this won't keep us down. The love and cuddles of our 5 kids is like medicine for the soul.

My boys are sad and disappointed but they are resilient and are doing great. So, there's just a snapshot of our lives the past few days for those of you wondering and asking. Thank you for your love, support, and prayers. We are surrounded with great friends and family who help make the yucky things in life, not so yucky. Much love to you all. 



Tuesday, August 19, 2014

What I've Lost and Gained this Past Year, and What I've Learned From It

It's been a longggg time since I've blogged. I'm not even sure I remember how to anymore. ;) Since I was on here last, I've been on quite a journey.  Here are some brief highlights:

  • Ryan and I opened 3 retail stores
  • We helped produce a TV show pilot with a renowned actor, with a phenomenal bunch of people
  • We moved
  • We had a surprise pregnancy...that ended up surprising us even more by being identical twin girls! 
  • I took on a part-time job as the kids ministry director at our church
  • Ryan took on more responsibilities and became not only the music director, but the pastor there 
  • I was pretty much on bed-rest most of my pregnancy (not fun!)
  • We decided to move again, to be near our church and not have to commute (with 3 kids and newborn twins) to another town 
  • So we closed down 2 of our stores, sold one, and have been letting life settle a bit as we get used to having 2 babies in the house
But those of you who know me well know that I can't stay idle for long.  So, of course, I have some other irons in the fire and business and creative outlets that I'm getting ready to delve into. Other than acting in a commercial early in my pregnancy, I took a break from acting and performing musically. I'm just now getting the itch and have plans to delve back in soon.

There are some valuable things I've learned over this last year. There have been a ton of changes, some I expected, some I didn't, some good, and some that were painful. I truly believe that every season of your life can be beneficial, even the hard ones, if you can learn something from it and walk away from it a better person. This past year was awesome in so many ways, and so, so hard in other ones. We lost some things and gained others. We let some dreams go, and started dreaming new dreams. That's both painful and exciting. Here are some things I've learned in this last crazy, busy, hectic, exciting, and trying year:

I've learned...

--God can give you peace when you're life is chaotic
What can I say about this that hasn't already been said by people way smarter than me? All I know is that this is sooooo true 

--I am stronger than I thought

--Even though I felt my family was complete before I had the twins, we weren't

--I love all the girl stuff that comes with having baby girls (even though I'm a tom-boy at heart)

--I love my family more every day

--I really miss sleeping

--Mascara can really mask the fact that I'm a walking zombie

--The laundry that a family of 7 can generate is about to send me to the crazy house

--I still hate laundry

--Laughter really is the best medicine

--Seasons of life always change

--I have a need to be a part of something bigger than myself...to be a part of a team

--I'm still as optimistic and hopeful as I ever was

--Friends can say they're your friends but actions speak louder than words. Can I elaborate? Thanks. :)
I have many friends, but I'm selective on who I truly let in my "inner circle".  I've had several friends in the recent past that told me that I was their closest friend and I considered them mine as well. We had many heart to heart talks, shared many common interests, passions, and goals. Friends that I thought would be in my life forever. Friends that I knew were an integral part of my journey, and I theirs. Friends that I had factored into my decision making and planning for my future, my goals, creative collaboration, etc. These friends did not make the journey with me this last year. When you lose that kind of friend, it's painful. I've learned that you can be a great friend, but that doesn't mean they will be a great friend in return.  I think it's even more painful when you can't even pinpoint a specific reason or event that triggered the separation. So you're left with doubts, and questions and you're left wondering why they chose to not walk life's path with you anymore. I would go to the ends of the earth for my friends, and when you have that same expectation for someone else, and they don't follow through, it's a big disappointment.

So what have I learned? I've learned that people let you down. But, you have to work through the pain and forgive. I've learned that this is very difficult for me.  I've learned that I hold on to the memory of what was and what could've been for way too long. I've learned that not having closure makes me feel crazy and that wondering about the what-ifs and what could've beens make me doubt myself. I've learned that it hurts and makes me so sad.  So that leads me to the next thing that I've learned...

-- to guard my heart.

--true friends are worth their weight in gold
I've also learned that true friends stick by your side no matter what. They will show up to the hospital when you've gone into pre-term labor, you're emotional, you're babies are hooked up to tubes, and bring a smile to your face when it's your birthday and you are stuck in a hospital. They show up to the business that you have to have liquidated in less than 48 hours and you are stressed because you don't want to be there. You want and need to be with your preemie babies, and they help you pack up everything into the wee hours of the morning. You never had to ask these people to come, they just show up because they know that you're family is really in the thick of a chaotic, stressful situation, and that you and your husband are both on the verge of a break down.  I've learned that actions speak louder than words. You can say you're my friend, but if you're not honest with me, authentic, and show up when times are tough, then you're actions are telling me something else. 

--I feel more empowered as a woman, wife, mother, musician, actor, writer, and business woman than I've ever felt and I'm ready to take on the world. So watch out!


We all go through different ups and downs, some people in your life walk the journey with you, some won't. But in the end, it's what you learn from the experience that will help build you and make you a better you.  Keep on keepin' on...I'm rootin' for ya.