A brief glance at what's really going on in my life...

I've been seeing a lot of posts on Facebook about 30 Days of Thankfulness.  I love to see people being grateful...for the big and little things in life.  I thought about joining in on this but I quickly realized that 30 days just wasn't enough!  I mean, don't get me wrong, my life isn't always a picnic, but I'm a very grateful person, and I have a lot to be thankful for.  I'm a very optimistic person.  I'm not a "glass half empty" or even a "glass half full" person.  I'm more of a "it may look like the glass is only half full, but really, it's probably all of the way full" person.  So, on Facebook, you will rarely see me complain.  I try to make a habit out of not complaining.  I think we have power in our words, and I try really hard to speak good things.    So, just looking at my life through a Facebook lens, it may seem like it's all roses and rainbows.  But let me tell you, I have seen hard times.

I've experienced many tragedies in my life.  A quick overview...  As a child, our dream home burnt down to the ground...nothing left.  My parents showed me, through that situation, how to get up and dust yourself off and keep going.  When we were little kids, my older sister was diagnosed with leukemia and given 6 months left to live.  But, if you know me at all, I believe in miracles.  And well, she's 30-something (she would kill me if I put her age! lol) and healthy.  She walked out of the hospital one day completely well.  The doctors were baffled.  They didn't call it remission.  They called it a miracle.  When I was ten, my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  Now, I have lots of faith in miracles, but this lady made me look like an amateur in the faith department.  Long story short, all the tests and x-rays said it was bad, very bad---BUT, when they went in for surgery, it was gone. She told them it would be, but they didn't believe her....until surgery was over and they wanted to know what kind of  new cutting edge "treatment" she had had since they had seen her last.  Her treatment was prayer, and lots of it.  

When I was thirteen, my family moved to a new town, 3,000 miles away from our family and everything that we called home.  6 months later, my Mom and one of her best friends were tragically killed in a car accident.  It was just me, my Dad and my sister left to face the world alone in this new town.  My sister took care of the laundry, and I took care of the cooking and grocery shopping.  I remember the first meal I cooked was baked chicken breasts.  I cooked 4 chicken breasts and set the table with 4 plates.  Then it hit me...only 3 were needed. What a heavy moment for a 13 year old girl.

I have had times when I made really good money and then when the economy went down the tubes, my husband, Ryan, and I lost everything we had.  Those are just words, but think about it....everything...homes, cars, furniture, etc.  It was beyond devastating.  I fought hard against allowing depression to pull me under.  No matter what we tried, nothing could pull us out of the financial hole we were in.  We felt hopeless.  Hopelessness is one of the worst feelings in the world, let me tell ya.  We just woke up, day after day, doing all we knew to do, while trying to keep our spirits up and take care of our 3 boys.  I lost all pride during that time.  I had no choice but to rely on the giving hearts of friends and family.  I will never forget those people that were there for us.  Ryan and I are givers by nature, so being "takers" was very painful for us. This wasn't a quick fix....we were in this situation for years. I am now just barely able to speak about it....and I still tear up when I do.  During this whole time, Ryan and I had a dream of what we knew we were supposed to do with our lives.  We knew that every situation that we had been through was preparing us to live our purpose.  I fully believe that everyone has something to offer the world--there's a reason you are on planet earth.  Ryan and I finally figured out what ours was, but without miracles happening, there was no way it was possible. It was like a huge mountain in front of us, and we had no climbing gear. It was also such a big dream that we were ridiculed and our motives questioned. But we didn't give up. I felt like Noah building the ark when the people had never seen it rain. Crazy Noah...crazy McKee's.

Just recently, we've had major breakthroughs.  Things I have been dreaming about and praying about since I was a kid, are starting to happen.  In some ways it's happening quickly and in others, it feels like it's taking forever.  My whole life has changed and is continuing to change....from the little everyday things to the big things.  I can barely keep up, emotionally speaking.  So, if you see me having an emotional breakdown, I promise you they are grateful tears.  

What am I thankful for??? I'm so thankful that life isn't always a valley.  There are mountaintops too. The valley was lonely and depressing and it seemed it would never end. I'm not to the top of the mountain yet, but I've been training and have climbing gear now, and I can see the top...and it's close.

I'm thankful for God's grace that has sustained me through hard times. Some call it mother nature, some call it the cosmos, etc... but I call it God.  We could argue theology all day, but really, that makes no difference to me because you can't argue with my experiences. I know that I have experienced supernatural protection, provision, grace, miracles, etc., in my life.  Something bigger than you or I.

Sisters

I'm thankful that through the experience of our house burning, I learned perseverance (God knew I was going to need that in the future!).  I'm thankful that my sister is alive and 100% healthy.  I'm thankful that God saved her life because now that my Mom is gone, I need her more than ever. 

Dad, Mom, Sister, and me

I'm thankful that I had my mom 13 years and that she showed me how to love unconditionally, how to have fun,  to have confidence and believe in the impossible.  I'm thankful for my loving, giving dad who is a steady rock through the toughest storms and yet has the gentlest heart of anyone I know. 

I'm thankful for a husband who encourages me and gives me the confidence to live my dreams.  I'm thankful that we are such a good team, not only in marriage and parenting, but in business and artistically too, and that we balance each other's 
strengths and weaknesses in crazy ways.





I'm thankful for 3 little boys that run me ragged and make me want to lose my mind at times, but always know how to make me smile.  They are three of my favorite people on the planet.




I'm thankful that when I lost my mom, grief didn't pull me under, and that at 13 years old, I was able to consciously make a choice to allow that tragedy to "make me" and not "break me".  I decided to let it be a stepping stone in my life and not a stumbling block.  I'm thankful for the season of life when Ryan and I lost everything because even though I never want to go through it again, I'm a better person because of it...that's a fact.

I'm thankful that dreams I've had and prayers I've been praying for for decades are finally being answered.  I don't go into details on Facebook about all of the little (and big) miracles that are happening in my life, because it's really not the platform or venue to do it.  But if you need some encouragement or to talk to someone who has "been there",  I would love to share a cup of coffee with you, even if it's through Skype.

Do I have bad days? OF COURSE! There are days that I don't think I have any energy left to climb the mountain. There are days that I just want to cry and curl up in a ball, away from the mean world.  You can give and give to people, and those same people can hurt you. People that you expect to be loyal to you, won't fight for you, even when you've fought for them--whether they know it or not.  People can be classless and hateful and spread lies about you. They can misjudge you and not give you the benefit of the doubt when you've never given them reason to question you.  They can throw you in front of the bus for silly reasons.  They can question your heart, your integrity, character and honesty--again, when you've given them no reason to. Just when you think you are almost to the top of the mountain, a storm can come and knock you down a bit. But, I refuse to quit.  I've come too far to give up.  I'm stubborn like that (I get that from my dad). I've been through all of those things.  It's so intensely painful. But, it will make you stronger, and you will learn some valuable lessons; who you are, who you can trust, and who you can count on to fight for you.

I'm thankful that I've learned how to not let my circumstance effect my joy.  Joy is not the same thing as happiness.  I can be going through the worst time and be unhappy, but I still have an underlying sense of joy.

If you need someone to believe in you and for you, for the impossible to happen, then I'm your gal.  I'm pulling for ya. If I can make it through, then so can you. I promise.

Wrinkles in Hollywood....is that even possible?

Just before the holidays, I celebrated my birthday. I have to admit, the whole aging process is kinda freaky. Not only do I have to deal with the normal issues that people deal with as they get older, but I am also working in an industry that values youth and shuns wrinkles, laugh lines and anything.... saggy. I woke up on my birthday morning with a weird feeling. I was expecting to wake up with a feeling of dread about being another year older, but instead, I was happy, content and felt a little more comfortable and powerful in my aging skin. As Ryan and my boys woke me up with breakfast in bed, I was overcome with thankfulness for another year to be alive. I realized that I'm growing into a woman that knows who she is and every year that passes I feel more comfortable in being who I was created to be.

I typically get cast in movies/commercials/etc. as younger than I actually am. While that may seem awesome, and it is, it can still mess with my head. I go in to these auditions with girls in their late teens and early twenties and it's easy to feel like the old lady in the room, but I've finally realized that I don't wish to be their age again. Many of these girls try to put on an heir of confidence, but it's easy to see through their facade. They are unsure of themselves and feel the need to prove who they are to the world. The older I get the less I feel like I have to prove anything. It's really quite liberating and makes the whole aging process a little less painful.

When I woke up another year older, I was thankful for another year of a life well lived, of a family that I love so much, and the opportunity to pursue a career that makes me feel alive. I used to panic when I saw the beginnings of wrinkles on my face. I can already tell I'm gonna have some major laugh lines but instead of being distraught about it, I am embracing the fact that I have had the experience to laugh at all. Now, I'm not saying I get excited when I see one, let's be realistic here. :)

I was talking to a makeup artist about my laugh lines and she stated "well, you're going to have to try not to smile and laugh so much." She was dead serious, with her perfect botoxed Hollywood face. I was shocked! I thought she had to be joking but then quickly realized  that she wasn't kidding. Really, it's a very sad reality. If that's what it takes to stay wrinkle free, then bring on the wrinkles, honey, because I truly love to laugh and I refuse to quit smiling. And really, I have an awful lot to smile about. Sitting at dinner with friends on my birthday, conversation shifted and somehow we were talking about the fabulous actress, Helen Mirren, and how she has aged with class and beauty. This inspired me. I realized that I am in a place where I feel good about myself and who I am and what I bring to the world. Am I against a little lift and tuck? No. But I don't want to look plastic either. I want to look like Jennifer McKee. So for now, I will remain myself...with aging skin...until a harmless miracle cream is invented. ;)

I recently went to an audition for a national commercial where they were looking to cast a soccer mom. It was a great, well paying gig. Just to get the audition was a big deal. I didn't get the job. I wasn't too upset about it though, because I knew that they didn't think I fit the profile of the typical soccer mom that they were looking for. I'm not a soccer mom, but I am a baseball mom. In the midst of trying to have a career, I'm driving my boys to baseball games, paintballing excursions, and snowboarding trips. I'm trying to get dinner on the table at a reasonable time and squeeze in the grocery shopping after they go to sleep because taking three boys with me to the grocery store is a disaster....I speak from experience. On top of all of this, I sneak in as much time as I can to write songs, write movie scripts, meet with producers, collaborate with artists, learn my lines to whatever project I'm working on, and work on the businesses that I own. Did I mention that I homeschool my kids? Oh yeah, add that little thing to the list. I don't want to ever have to choose between my kids and my career, because that's a no brainer. My family is at the top of the "Things in Life That are Important" list. So, I homeschool them so I never have to choose. If I have to be in L.A., then we all go and make a pit stop at Disneyland to keep things fun. So, here I am, trying hard to balance all of these things and I'm not getting the parts that most people my age are getting. I'm getting cast younger, yet I don't totally feel like I fit in with those girls either because I'm at a different point in my life than they are. I'm trying to sort out where I fit. I asked myself, since I'm getting cast younger, do I need to try to act like I'm a young twenty something to get the part? At first I felt the pressure to do so. But instead of wearing my age with shame, I've decided to wear it with pride. Yes, I'm a wife and mother...and I'm getting cast younger than my age. This is isn't something to be embarassed about and hide. I've decided that it's something to be excited about! I realize this may not always be the case, so I've decided to enjoy it while it lasts! :)

I'm learning how to be me in an industry that wants me to be all things fake. So, I go to these auditions, surrounded with young ladies and as I'm sitting there trying not to compare myself with them, I have an epiphany. These girls are longing and looking for love, and I've already got it. They are trying to figure out who they are, and I'm way ahead of them on that journey. They are dieting and trying to stay skinny, and I'm pigging out at the buffet with no worries because I've got my mother's genes...bless her soul for that. I have been through heartache and loss and have learned to have joy even when things aren't perfect around me. I've had the fun, luxurious things that money can buy then lost it all in the process of sacrificing and chasing the dream and still managed to keep my joy and faith and trust that all things work together for my good. I have lost loved ones and had moments that I didn't think it was possible to exist on this earth without them. I've grown and matured because of this extra time on my journey and it would be a shame if I tried to discount that and pretend to be something other than who I really am. I'm not saying that these girls haven't had tough times, but for the majority of them, they are just starting their journey. I realize that these young girls probably don't have the bills that I have, the laundry pile that I have, the never ending sink of dishes that I have and I'm pretty sure that they don't feel like a full-time referee, breaking up fights between 3 boys. They probably get a good nights sleep and aren't hearing every cough and breath in the middle of the night from three little boys down the hallway, but I wouldn't trade their good nights sleep and well rested, fresh faces for anything. I wouldn't trade my fine lines, wrinkles, and the grey hairs that I see from time to time (in between color jobs!) for their young beauty. I'm tired of being given a definition of beauty that is warped and skewed. I refuse to drink the koolaide. Beauty is fleeting and charm can be deceptive. I will be beautiful on the inside and hope that it flows through to the outside and that my laugh lines show a life well lived. I will do my best best to show these ladies how to age with grace and confidence. I will hold my head up high and be who my Mama taught me to be.