Just before the holidays, I celebrated my birthday. I have to admit, the whole aging process is kinda freaky. Not only do I have to deal with the normal issues that people deal with as they get older, but I am also working in an industry that values youth and shuns wrinkles, laugh lines and anything.... saggy. I woke up on my birthday morning with a weird feeling. I was expecting to wake up with a feeling of dread about being another year older, but instead, I was happy, content and felt a little more comfortable and powerful in my aging skin. As Ryan and my boys woke me up with breakfast in bed, I was overcome with thankfulness for another year to be alive. I realized that I'm growing into a woman that knows who she is and every year that passes I feel more comfortable in being who I was created to be.
I typically get cast in movies/commercials/etc. as younger than I actually am. While that may seem awesome, and it is, it can still mess with my head. I go in to these auditions with girls in their late teens and early twenties and it's easy to feel like the old lady in the room, but I've finally realized that I don't wish to be their age again. Many of these girls try to put on an heir of confidence, but it's easy to see through their facade. They are unsure of themselves and feel the need to prove who they are to the world. The older I get the less I feel like I have to prove anything. It's really quite liberating and makes the whole aging process a little less painful.
I typically get cast in movies/commercials/etc. as younger than I actually am. While that may seem awesome, and it is, it can still mess with my head. I go in to these auditions with girls in their late teens and early twenties and it's easy to feel like the old lady in the room, but I've finally realized that I don't wish to be their age again. Many of these girls try to put on an heir of confidence, but it's easy to see through their facade. They are unsure of themselves and feel the need to prove who they are to the world. The older I get the less I feel like I have to prove anything. It's really quite liberating and makes the whole aging process a little less painful.
When I woke up another year older, I was thankful for another year of a life well lived, of a family that I love so much, and the opportunity to pursue a career that makes me feel alive. I used to panic when I saw the beginnings of wrinkles on my face. I can already tell I'm gonna have some major laugh lines but instead of being distraught about it, I am embracing the fact that I have had the experience to laugh at all. Now, I'm not saying I get excited when I see one, let's be realistic here. :)
I was talking to a makeup artist about my laugh lines and she stated "well, you're going to have to try not to smile and laugh so much." She was dead serious, with her perfect botoxed Hollywood face. I was shocked! I thought she had to be joking but then quickly realized that she wasn't kidding. Really, it's a very sad reality. If that's what it takes to stay wrinkle free, then bring on the wrinkles, honey, because I truly love to laugh and I refuse to quit smiling. And really, I have an awful lot to smile about. Sitting at dinner with friends on my birthday, conversation shifted and somehow we were talking about the fabulous actress, Helen Mirren, and how she has aged with class and beauty. This inspired me. I realized that I am in a place where I feel good about myself and who I am and what I bring to the world. Am I against a little lift and tuck? No. But I don't want to look plastic either. I want to look like Jennifer McKee. So for now, I will remain myself...with aging skin...until a harmless miracle cream is invented. ;)
I recently went to an audition for a national commercial where they were looking to cast a soccer mom. It was a great, well paying gig. Just to get the audition was a big deal. I didn't get the job. I wasn't too upset about it though, because I knew that they didn't think I fit the profile of the typical soccer mom that they were looking for. I'm not a soccer mom, but I am a baseball mom. In the midst of trying to have a career, I'm driving my boys to baseball games, paintballing excursions, and snowboarding trips. I'm trying to get dinner on the table at a reasonable time and squeeze in the grocery shopping after they go to sleep because taking three boys with me to the grocery store is a disaster....I speak from experience. On top of all of this, I sneak in as much time as I can to write songs, write movie scripts, meet with producers, collaborate with artists, learn my lines to whatever project I'm working on, and work on the businesses that I own. Did I mention that I homeschool my kids? Oh yeah, add that little thing to the list. I don't want to ever have to choose between my kids and my career, because that's a no brainer. My family is at the top of the "Things in Life That are Important" list. So, I homeschool them so I never have to choose. If I have to be in L.A., then we all go and make a pit stop at Disneyland to keep things fun. So, here I am, trying hard to balance all of these things and I'm not getting the parts that most people my age are getting. I'm getting cast younger, yet I don't totally feel like I fit in with those girls either because I'm at a different point in my life than they are. I'm trying to sort out where I fit. I asked myself, since I'm getting cast younger, do I need to try to act like I'm a young twenty something to get the part? At first I felt the pressure to do so. But instead of wearing my age with shame, I've decided to wear it with pride. Yes, I'm a wife and mother...and I'm getting cast younger than my age. This is isn't something to be embarassed about and hide. I've decided that it's something to be excited about! I realize this may not always be the case, so I've decided to enjoy it while it lasts! :)
I'm learning how to be me in an industry that wants me to be all things fake. So, I go to these auditions, surrounded with young ladies and as I'm sitting there trying not to compare myself with them, I have an epiphany. These girls are longing and looking for love, and I've already got it. They are trying to figure out who they are, and I'm way ahead of them on that journey. They are dieting and trying to stay skinny, and I'm pigging out at the buffet with no worries because I've got my mother's genes...bless her soul for that. I have been through heartache and loss and have learned to have joy even when things aren't perfect around me. I've had the fun, luxurious things that money can buy then lost it all in the process of sacrificing and chasing the dream and still managed to keep my joy and faith and trust that all things work together for my good. I have lost loved ones and had moments that I didn't think it was possible to exist on this earth without them. I've grown and matured because of this extra time on my journey and it would be a shame if I tried to discount that and pretend to be something other than who I really am. I'm not saying that these girls haven't had tough times, but for the majority of them, they are just starting their journey. I realize that these young girls probably don't have the bills that I have, the laundry pile that I have, the never ending sink of dishes that I have and I'm pretty sure that they don't feel like a full-time referee, breaking up fights between 3 boys. They probably get a good nights sleep and aren't hearing every cough and breath in the middle of the night from three little boys down the hallway, but I wouldn't trade their good nights sleep and well rested, fresh faces for anything. I wouldn't trade my fine lines, wrinkles, and the grey hairs that I see from time to time (in between color jobs!) for their young beauty. I'm tired of being given a definition of beauty that is warped and skewed. I refuse to drink the koolaide. Beauty is fleeting and charm can be deceptive. I will be beautiful on the inside and hope that it flows through to the outside and that my laugh lines show a life well lived. I will do my best best to show these ladies how to age with grace and confidence. I will hold my head up high and be who my Mama taught me to be.
