A Crazy, Tiring, Wonderful Journey

I'm definitely a person who is future oriented and doesn't live in the past, but today, I'm feeling rather nostalgic as I celebrate my twin daughters first birthday. This last year has been crazy, to say the least.  I never dreamt I would ever have twins. The possibility of that happening was never on my radar. So, when I found out I was having twins I was floored! You could have told me I had won the lottery and I wouldn't have been more surprised. We were really happy with our 3 boys and I never felt I was missing out on not having a little girl. We were done having kids...or so we thought. We were so shocked to even be pregnant, and then they tell us we were having twins! Then a few weeks after that, they tell us they are identical girls! Life felt like a whirlwind of crazy.

One year ago I had 2 preemies (born at 34 weeks and 5 days):

Some pictures of the birthday girls today, a year later:

It's impossible to get a selfie with the 3 of us. :) 

Having twin babies is a ton of work and "they" say that if you can make it through the first year, then the chances are good that you might survive the rest. ;) Well, we survived! Hallelujah! But not without a lot of sacrifice, and lessons learned. Here are just some (of the many) things I've learned in this last year.

1. Our whole family needed these girls. 
They bring so many smiles, laughs, and joy to all of us. As far as babies go, they are really easy and adaptable. Seeing the interaction between the two of them is so entertaining. They really light up our days (and nights!).  God knew what He was doing, even when I wasn't so sure.

2. The life and career sacrifices have been worth it.
I am reminded, daily, of what really matters. My life is so much fuller now.

3. I can and do still have a life. (But I have to make a conscious effort to do so).
I was worried that two babies meant the end of everything I loved and wanted out of life. As much as I love being a wife and mom, I know that it's not healthy for me to get solely wrapped up in those two roles, that I lose myself and my identity.  They are a huge part of who I am, don't get me wrong. And aside from my faith, my family is the most important thing in my life. But I am a better wife and mother when I have the freedom to learn and grow; to experience life, dreams, and goals. There are so many irons I have in the fire right now, and that's the way I love it.

4. We have amazing people in our lives that come along beside us and pick up the slack when they see we need it. 
What would we do without our true friends? I would be in the crazy house, I'm sure.

5. My boys are going to be amazing fathers. That's a fact.
They are so tender, loving, aware, and concerned with their sisters. Sometimes I think they take better care of them than I do. ;) When the girls do something cute, or pass a milestone, the look of wonder and pride in their big brothers eyes is so endearing. It makes my heart melt.

6. All the girly clothes and pretty things are way too much fun! And I might be a little obsessed with hair bows.  :)

7. It's nearly impossible to get a good picture of two babies being happy at the same time.

Has the last year been wonderful? Yes! But, just to keep it real, we've also had some crazy moments of sleep deprived melt downs, misunderstandings, and exhausted "conversations". But those are the moments you grow. How can you become a better person and grow if you don't have challenges? Gold is refined by heat and fire. So, I'm learning to be thankful for the fire. Because even though it's painful, the end result is worth it.  With that being said...let me add an 8th thing I've learned this last year (or been reminded of)....

8. I still feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be married to Ryan. 
I wouldn't have wanted to travel this crazy journey with anyone else. He's an amazing father. Even though there are moments we drive each other crazy, at the end of it all, he's the person I respect the most. No one compares. Men of character and integrity are few and far between. Plus he's super cute. ;)

Losing Life

I always thought my uterus was invincible when it came to having babies. ;)  I have 5 kids and each of them was a surprise...especially my twin 11 month old girls! I had never experienced the loss of a baby and never thought I would, especially since I was done having babies. 

But then we were surprised to find out that I was pregnant again! Apparently birth control wasn't working for me. After the initial shock and panic, I became excited. I envisioned my family with 6 kids. I played out all sorts of scenarios in my head just to wrap my brain around this new life coming into our lives. I began feeling like McKee Baby #6 was a part of our family and we began to prepare for the little ones arrival. A bigger house was needed, a bigger car, the collection of baby gear (I had gotten rid of so much stuff from the twins already), a bunch of maternity clothes purchased...the list goes on.

When we saw the baby on the ultrasound screen a few weeks ago, with a strong beating heart, it made it even more real. But this past weekend I felt that something was wrong and went to the ER Saturday evening to get the baby checked. There was no heartbeat. They called it "Fetal Demise". There is no reason really...nothing I did or didn't do. 

I never understood why women, who had lost a baby, were so effected and sad, especially early on in the pregnancy. I totally get it now. My hormones and body have been preparing for a baby and all of the maternal instincts had already started kicking in. I believe that life begins at conception, so to me this was a life. I was this baby's mother. So whether or not I ever held him or her in my arms, doesn't change the maternal feelings I have. 

So, I'm incredibly sad, and confused. Before I got pregnant, I wanted to be done having babies. But getting pregnant, and then losing a baby is messing with my head. I know I'm not in the emotional state to make any long term decisions, but I will say that I feel like we are missing one more little McKee to our bunch. Whether I will always feel that, I'm not sure.

No one ever talks about the ugly side of miscarriage. Like having to go through labor, but with no joy at the end to make it worth it. That was a hellish experience that I never want to go through again. I'm still in quite a bit of pain, physically, so it's taking all my focus off the emotional side of things. I had already begun looking pregnant. It's weird to still see this baby bump and there be nothing inside.

I came home from the hospital to see my "Baby #6" pumpkin sitting on the porch and a package that had just arrived in the mail that I had ordered weeks ago with t-shirts for the girls that say "Big Sister". This stuff isn't fun to deal with.

But I will say, that I'm doing ok. Each day is much easier than the day before. I'm an emotionally strong person that has experienced other kinds of loss and survived. I've been through way worse and I'm stronger and better because of it. So, even though Ryan and I are sad, this won't keep us down. The love and cuddles of our 5 kids is like medicine for the soul.

My boys are sad and disappointed but they are resilient and are doing great. So, there's just a snapshot of our lives the past few days for those of you wondering and asking. Thank you for your love, support, and prayers. We are surrounded with great friends and family who help make the yucky things in life, not so yucky. Much love to you all. 

What I've Lost and Gained this Past Year, and What I've Learned From It

It's been a longggg time since I've blogged. I'm not even sure I remember how to anymore. ;) Since I was on here last, I've been on quite a journey.  Here are some brief highlights:

• Ryan and I opened 3 retail stores
• We helped produce a TV show pilot with a renowned actor, with a phenomenal bunch of people
• We moved
• We had a surprise pregnancy...that ended up surprising us even more by being identical twin girls! 
• I took on a part-time job as the kids ministry director at our church
• Ryan took on more responsibilities and became not only the music director, but the pastor there 
• I was pretty much on bed-rest most of my pregnancy (not fun!)
• We decided to move again, to be near our church and not have to commute (with 3 kids and newborn twins) to another town 
• So we closed down 2 of our stores, sold one, and have been letting life settle a bit as we get used to having 2 babies in the house

But those of you who know me well know that I can't stay idle for long.  So, of course, I have some other irons in the fire and business and creative outlets that I'm getting ready to delve into. Other than acting in a commercial early in my pregnancy, I took a break from acting and performing musically. I'm just now getting the itch and have plans to delve back in soon.

There are some valuable things I've learned over this last year. There have been a ton of changes, some I expected, some I didn't, some good, and some that were painful. I truly believe that every season of your life can be beneficial, even the hard ones, if you can learn something from it and walk away from it a better person. This past year was awesome in so many ways, and so, so hard in other ones. We lost some things and gained others. We let some dreams go, and started dreaming new dreams. That's both painful and exciting. Here are some things I've learned in this last crazy, busy, hectic, exciting, and trying year:

I've learned...

--God can give you peace when you're life is chaotic
What can I say about this that hasn't already been said by people way smarter than me? All I know is that this is sooooo true 

--I am stronger than I thought

--Even though I felt my family was complete before I had the twins, we weren't

--I love all the girl stuff that comes with having baby girls (even though I'm a tom-boy at heart)

--I love my family more every day

--I really miss sleeping

--Mascara can really mask the fact that I'm a walking zombie

--The laundry that a family of 7 can generate is about to send me to the crazy house

--I still hate laundry

--Laughter really is the best medicine

--Seasons of life always change

--I have a need to be a part of something bigger than myself...to be a part of a team

--I'm still as optimistic and hopeful as I ever was

--Friends can say they're your friends but actions speak louder than words. Can I elaborate? Thanks. :)
I have many friends, but I'm selective on who I truly let in my "inner circle".  I've had several friends in the recent past that told me that I was their closest friend and I considered them mine as well. We had many heart to heart talks, shared many common interests, passions, and goals. Friends that I thought would be in my life forever. Friends that I knew were an integral part of my journey, and I theirs. Friends that I had factored into my decision making and planning for my future, my goals, creative collaboration, etc. These friends did not make the journey with me this last year. When you lose that kind of friend, it's painful. I've learned that you can be a great friend, but that doesn't mean they will be a great friend in return.  I think it's even more painful when you can't even pinpoint a specific reason or event that triggered the separation. So you're left with doubts, and questions and you're left wondering why they chose to not walk life's path with you anymore. I would go to the ends of the earth for my friends, and when you have that same expectation for someone else, and they don't follow through, it's a big disappointment.

So what have I learned? I've learned that people let you down. But, you have to work through the pain and forgive. I've learned that this is very difficult for me.  I've learned that I hold on to the memory of what was and what could've been for way too long. I've learned that not having closure makes me feel crazy and that wondering about the what-ifs and what could've beens make me doubt myself. I've learned that it hurts and makes me so sad.  So that leads me to the next thing that I've learned...

-- to guard my heart.

--true friends are worth their weight in gold
I've also learned that true friends stick by your side no matter what. They will show up to the hospital when you've gone into pre-term labor, you're emotional, you're babies are hooked up to tubes, and bring a smile to your face when it's your birthday and you are stuck in a hospital. They show up to the business that you have to have liquidated in less than 48 hours and you are stressed because you don't want to be there. You want and need to be with your preemie babies, and they help you pack up everything into the wee hours of the morning. You never had to ask these people to come, they just show up because they know that you're family is really in the thick of a chaotic, stressful situation, and that you and your husband are both on the verge of a break down.  I've learned that actions speak louder than words. You can say you're my friend, but if you're not honest with me, authentic, and show up when times are tough, then you're actions are telling me something else. 

--I feel more empowered as a woman, wife, mother, musician, actor, writer, and business woman than I've ever felt and I'm ready to take on the world. So watch out!


We all go through different ups and downs, some people in your life walk the journey with you, some won't. But in the end, it's what you learn from the experience that will help build you and make you a better you.  Keep on keepin' on...I'm rootin' for ya.