I always thought my uterus was invincible when it came to having babies. ;) I have 5 kids and each of them was a surprise...especially my twin 11 month old girls! I had never experienced the loss of a baby and never thought I would, especially since I was done having babies.
But then we were surprised to find out that I was pregnant again! Apparently birth control wasn't working for me. After the initial shock and panic, I became excited. I envisioned my family with 6 kids. I played out all sorts of scenarios in my head just to wrap my brain around this new life coming into our lives. I began feeling like McKee Baby #6 was a part of our family and we began to prepare for the little ones arrival. A bigger house was needed, a bigger car, the collection of baby gear (I had gotten rid of so much stuff from the twins already), a bunch of maternity clothes purchased...the list goes on.
When we saw the baby on the ultrasound screen a few weeks ago, with a strong beating heart, it made it even more real. But this past weekend I felt that something was wrong and went to the ER Saturday evening to get the baby checked. There was no heartbeat. They called it "Fetal Demise". There is no reason really...nothing I did or didn't do.
I never understood why women, who had lost a baby, were so effected and sad, especially early on in the pregnancy. I totally get it now. My hormones and body have been preparing for a baby and all of the maternal instincts had already started kicking in. I believe that life begins at conception, so to me this was a life. I was this baby's mother. So whether or not I ever held him or her in my arms, doesn't change the maternal feelings I have.
So, I'm incredibly sad, and confused. Before I got pregnant, I wanted to be done having babies. But getting pregnant, and then losing a baby is messing with my head. I know I'm not in the emotional state to make any long term decisions, but I will say that I feel like we are missing one more little McKee to our bunch. Whether I will always feel that, I'm not sure.
No one ever talks about the ugly side of miscarriage. Like having to go through labor, but with no joy at the end to make it worth it. That was a hellish experience that I never want to go through again. I'm still in quite a bit of pain, physically, so it's taking all my focus off the emotional side of things. I had already begun looking pregnant. It's weird to still see this baby bump and there be nothing inside.
I came home from the hospital to see my "Baby #6" pumpkin sitting on the porch and a package that had just arrived in the mail that I had ordered weeks ago with t-shirts for the girls that say "Big Sister". This stuff isn't fun to deal with.
But I will say, that I'm doing ok. Each day is much easier than the day before. I'm an emotionally strong person that has experienced other kinds of loss and survived. I've been through way worse and I'm stronger and better because of it. So, even though Ryan and I are sad, this won't keep us down. The love and cuddles of our 5 kids is like medicine for the soul.
My boys are sad and disappointed but they are resilient and are doing great. So, there's just a snapshot of our lives the past few days for those of you wondering and asking. Thank you for your love, support, and prayers. We are surrounded with great friends and family who help make the yucky things in life, not so yucky. Much love to you all.
