It’s Ok to Not Be Ok.
Those that know me know that I love personality tests and learning about myself and others. It has really helped me in self discovery, working in my strengths, working on my weaknesses, and knowing how to better communicate with other types and learn their needs, motivations, etc. Myers Briggs (ENFP here), the Enneagram (I’m 7 wing 6) and Strengths Finder (mine are: 1. Positivity 2. Woo 3. Strategic 4. Futuristic 5. Communication) have been the ones I’ve really delved into.
As an ENFP/Enneagram 7, one of my greatest strengths is my optimism. I can find the silver lining in any situation. When I saw the image above, it really struck a chord in me. I don’t really remember a time when I couldn’t turn lemons into lemonade or a time when I felt really beat up by the lemons being thrown my way…until recently. Since optimism and lemonade making are kind of my thing, this sort of caused an identity crisis. All of these personality assessments say that I can easily turn lemons into lemonade, and really, I’m such a skilled lemonade maker that I could most likely turn a lemonade stand into a successful business! So what does it mean when I can’t? Big questions I’ve been pondering.
Well, I’ve discovered that sometimes making lemonade is exhausting…and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean that I’m not grateful for all of the wonderful blessings in my life…there are really too many to count! Because really, I’m living out a lot of dreams I’ve had for a long time. For a little bit, I struggled with that notion…how can I complain about or be tired of the lemons when there are so many wonderful things? I’ve given myself room to feel/experience both. Man, that’s hard for me though.
I’m not here to judge the size of your lemons, but I’ve been known to judge mine. I kept thinking, “my problems aren’t big enough to warrant these feelings/frustrations when there are people dealing with way bigger problems.” I’m typically concerned with others problems and discount or diminish my own. Because I’m so positive, why would I want to dwell on the negative anyway? No matter how big or small the lemons are that are being thrown your way, they are still lemons and it’s not fun. I’ve learned you can’t live in denial and ignore them. You have to deal with it. If you know anything about Enneagram type 7’s, our biggest motivator in life is to escape emotional pain. So this is sort of like my worst nightmare! Lol
What were/are my lemons? Well, I’m shocked you would ask such a personal question. 😉 Some I won’t go into on here because this isn’t the place, but I will say that having several loved ones in the hospital with covid, fighting for their lives was truckloads of lemons. You feel so helpless. Add to that that, Covid had me extremely sick for weeks. I’m definitly not back to normal yet (I had some crazy symptoms) but I’m doing much better and on the mend. My whole family got sick the second day of our vacation that we had been waiting so long to go on. Then we were quarantined the whole time. So fun. We were out of state to attend the funeral of a dear friend that passed suddenly and were going to just love on the family and support as best we could, along with vacationing a bit. We couldn’t be of any help or attend the funeral. I was devastated and felt such guilt and I’m still processing the loss of that extraordinary life and the spouse and kids left behind to learn a new normal (I wrote a blog years ago if you want to know how I feel about “New Normal”).
Also, during that quarantine process, while I was sick and out of state, I had some big emergency type issues with my business that needed attending to. I’m thankful for friends who stepped in to handle the situations that arose. My business is thriving and having a record breaking year and I’m so grateful that I can be gone, or get sick, and my team will keep things going smoothly.
Some other dear friends are fighting for their lives with some health diagnosis’s that weigh on my heart and mind. Another family member has a diagnosis that needs a miracle and I’ve prayed and believed for it but like Proverbs says “hope deferred makes the heart sick”. Even though I haven’t seen the miracle I’m believing for, I will continue to pray and believe. I won’t give up. But sometimes it can get you down and despair tries to creep in.
All of that, in a short amount of time, piled on with some other issues had me like the person in this cartoon…ducking and wondering how much I could take and when it would all stop. Every day I would wake up to what seemed like more catastrophic news. How much more could I take? I have gone through many tough things in life and consider myself to be emotionally and spiritually strong, but I read an article recently that said “it’s ok to not be ok”. That goes against my nature but I’m learning that it IS ok to not be ok. I give others so much grace with this but hold myself to a high, unattainable standard. I need to give myself the same grace, the same space to process and feel and regroup.
I’m pretty private about struggles, things I’m going through, emotional things, etc. so why share this? Well, I had a gut feeling that I needed to. Not sure why. I could speculate that it’s because someone else might need to hear it because they need to hear that it’s “ok to not be ok”. It could be because someone needs to be reminded that no matter how perfect someone’s life looks we all have issues (another huge value of my personality type is authenticity…I’ve aways gotta be real. I can’t fake or put on a show...but I will give everything a positive spin because that’s my nature). It also may just be because I needed to get it off my chest, process it a little, and have it be a form of therapy. Who knows? But sit tight, I will be back to my lemonade stand business soon. 😉And if you are going through anything that you need to get off your chest, and you don’t feel like blogging for the world to know your business, I’m a safe, listening ear.
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