The Beginning of the Hollywood Journey

I have done a lot of acting in the past, but none in L.A....which is a whole other level of professionalism and a bit crazy. But, now I'm here and beginning this journey of auditioning and hoping and believing that everything that I've done in the past has been preparing me for such a time as this. There have been good days, and hard days, but overall I'm living my dream and having a blast doing it! My husband, Ryan, has already signed on to produce two films and has other projects in the works. The people he's working with are some of the best in Hollywood and they are taking notice of his talents and abilities. It's SO fun watching him soar. I couldn't be happier.

I LOVE Washington state and I still have a place to go back to there  because I started another journey of being a real estate broker for Sotheby's International Realty in Seattle.  I've always wanted to delve into the real estate market and I'm having a BLAST doing it. So, I get to fly back and forth from L.A. to Seattle depending on where I need to be at any given moment. Anyone wanting to buy or sell in WA state, hit me up!

Because we have 5 kids and a dog, and didn't really know the L.A. area well enough to just pick a house down here, and didn't want to stay in hotels while we figured it out, we bought an RV. That gives our 2 year old twins the same bed every night and every day for naps (which is good for routine and stability) while we get to know L.A. and figure out where the majority of our work will be located. We are actually loving the RV life (most of the time! lol). We are parked at a 850 acre gated resort where the kids can run and play and swim in the pools, play in the splash park, play sports, and join all of the kids activities they have there. It feels like we are on vacation every day. Plus, the sun is shining EVERY DAY and there are palm trees to look at (I have a love affair with palm trees). So this always cold, damp, Seattle girl is in paradise.

Some days are more fun than others. The not so fun days are necessary because they make the fun days really awesome. I tell myself that when I'm swamped in laundry (my least favorite house chore), the kids are fighting, I don't feel like cooking dinner, everyone has cabin fever, and the dog has been whining to go on a walk. So today, I'm gonna tell you about one of the awesome days I had this past week. It's much more fun to write about than the day before my awesome day when I was cleaning the bathroom and accidentally left the bathtub running and flooded the RV...fun times. Which is a classic example of how that day made my awesome day even more awesome. lol

First of all, I had my very first L.A. acting audition. It was very easy and I wasn't even nervous (which is not usually the case! Especially since I took a break from acting when I got pregnant with my twin girls so it's been a while!). This particular audition was for a makeup commercial. They applied makeup and all I had to do was smile...easy peasy. I had been asked to audition for a film at the same time that morning but I had already committed to the commercial audition so I had to turn the other one down, but there are more of those types of things in the works so I'm not too worried about it.

Moments after my audition! (Feeling relieved)

L.A. traffic is crazy and even though the audition was only 45 miles away, I left super early in the morning and gave myself 2 hours to get there. I arrived to the general area of where I was supposed to be and realized they gave the wrong address...an address that didn't exist. There was no contact info so I had no way of getting ahold of them. I searched and searched and went into every building that had a suite 108 (I knew that part of the address was correct). Finally, right when I thought I had exhausted every possibility and was about to call it quits, I found the building. I ran in ten minutes late and explained to them that their address was posted wrong on the audition info they sent out...and they were grateful for the info because they couldn't figure out why no one was showing up to their audition times! So, crazy first experience auditioning in L.A.

Stopped at a stoplight &
 looked over & saw this view.

After that, I thought I deserved an IN-N-Out Burger for all my hard work. And let me tell ya, that was a good burger! I had an event to go to that evening in Hollywood, so I figured I would take the scenic route that direction...I drove through Malibu and Santa Monica and the sun was shining on the beautiful Pacific Ocean. I do love a beach view! I felt like I was living the dream until I got stuck in traffic on the 405...it was basically a parking lot...we didn't move. By the time it was all said and done, I had been in the car for 5 hours. I love L.A. but the traffic...ugh.

The highlight of
the day was going to
 the Screen Actors Guild National Headquarters in Hollywood for a panel discussion on acting. I was sitting in a room filled with professional, working actors in TV and movies and it felt so surreal. The talk was "Editor's on Acting: TV One Hour Drama". These are the current editors from Scandal, House of Cards, Homeland, Pretty Little Liars, and Daredevil, although they've worked on tons of other shows too (one guy got his start on McGyver...how cool is that?!).






I learned so much! The panelists discussed the elements of craft and technical skill an actor must execute to avoid the cutting room floor, and the decisions directors, producers, and editors make based on an actor's performance. In my opinion, editor's have one of the hardest and important jobs in a production.

Being a fan girl
with Jordan Goldman

One of the editors on the panel, Jordan Goldman, is the author of the book "How to Avoid the Cutting Room Floor: An editor's advice for on-camera actors". It's a great book and when I realized he was the author of a book that had been recommended to me back when I first started acting in Washington, I was like, "Whoa...I'm really here...with all of these people that are actually professionals in this industry and I'm not just hearing about them, or dreaming about joining them." Very. Cool. Moment.

With the amazingly talented and
all around awesome
human being, Peter Xifo.

My good friend, and fellow actor, Peter Xifo, invited me to this amazing event and I had a ball. I learned so much and if you are an actor, or want to be an actor, I recommend watching the video of this SAG Talk. Peter has just landed some great tv projects and I am so excited to see him on TV soon (he can already be seen in a national Sansung commercial too!).

By the time I got home, it was almost midnight and I was wiped but had had the time of my life. The next day was laundry day...fun times. ;)

Until next time... 

When the "New Normal" Obliterated My "Normal" Life

A while back, I was asked to submit a piece of writing to be published and the writing prompt was: "New Beginnings". It could be a poem, work of fiction, really anything. This is what immediately began flowing out of me. It's sort of a snap shot of one of the hardest days of my life. We are all on a journey and have our mountaintop moments and our valley experiences. No one is without scars and wounds. It's what you do with those experiences that will make you who you are. Normally I'm very positive and don't talk about or dwell on the tough stuff of life, especially on social media, but today I will leave a piece of me that isn't roses and sunshine. This experience that you will read, has had a huge part of shaping the person I am, and I can say that it has made me a better person.

Usually the word new implies something fresh, wonderful, and even desirable. But there was a moment in time when that one word effectively obliterated everything that I had ever known; everything wonderful and good in my life. Let me take you back a bit; pre-obliteration...

It was the end of seventh grade.  Our family had just moved to town four and a half months earlier so I was still the new girl at school.  Although my picture wasn’t even in the yearbook, I still wanted a copy because even then, I was nothing if not sentimental.  I wanted to be able to look back at it one day and remember the faces of the people who made me feel welcome in a new school, who graciously took me under their wings and called me their friend.  I took the yearbook home and spent all evening looking at every picture and reading every word.  The summer before I moved to town, one of the students had been tragically killed in a motorcycle accident and the yearbook staff had dedicated a section in the yearbook to his memory.  I never knew this boy, but reading about him and seeing his smiling face on the page in front of me stirred something deep within me.  I was 13 and couldn’t really put a name to what I was feeling, but now, looking back, I know that it was grief.  I was unexplainably sad.  It made no sense to me because I didn’t even know him.  I remember thinking that he was cute and had a bright smile.  His eyes looked sparkly and full of life.  The fact that he was robbed of his chance to live and share his charisma with the world threw me into a funk of epic proportions.  Okay, maybe not “epic”, but I was 13 and everything felt epic at the time.  This whole experience made me consider the reality of death and it caused me to reflect on my own mortality.  I fell asleep that night with a heavy heart.

                The next morning, I glanced over at my mom as she drove me to school.  She could always tell when something was bothering me.  So, I opened up to her about all the thoughts that had been plaguing my mind.

                “I don’t know why this is bugging me so much.  I didn’t even know him, Mom.  It’s just so sad… his poor family,” I rambled as my mom let me unload my mind.  “What would I do, I mean, if someone close to me died? Like, what would I do if I lost you?”

                Taking her eyes of the road for a brief moment, she glanced at me and said, “you would get through it.  You’re strong, God is stronger, and He would give you the strength to handle it.”  She said this like it was a simple math equation.  She had as much faith in this as she had in the fact that 1 + 1 = 2.  “Try not to let this weigh on your mind all day.  Oh, here’s your lunch money, baby.  Be good.  Love you,” she said as she leaned over for a kiss on the cheek.

                “Love you too, Mom,” I said as I shut the car door and headed to class. 

                Little did I know that a week later, I would be in the middle of a nightmare that I couldn’t seem to wake from; that I would need access to that very strength that my mom promised God would give.  I really hoped that it was just as simple as 1 + 1 = 2.

                Apparently, my mom had forgotten something and had to turn the car around and go back .  If she had just remembered.  If that single mom who waited tables to provide for kids hadn’t been in a hurry and hadn’t ran that red light.  If it had been on another road with a big open field to the side instead of a ravine. If my mom had any other choice but to swerve into oncoming traffic.  If the kindhearted man driving the 4x4 truck hadn’t been headed her direction.  If I could change any number of those things, life would be dramatically different.

                Nine days of praying that she would wake up and prove the doctors wrong, because if anyone could it would be her, even if only out of spite to prove them wrong.  Nine days of waking up, trying to figure out how to function through the chaos.  Nine days of bargaining with God and begging him to make everything better.  Her best friend, who was sitting in the passenger seat on that fateful day, was laid to rest during those nine days and I knew that when my mom woke up she would feel so guilty and so devastated at the loss of her partner in crime.

                Looking back on that ninth day, it seems like a dream; like I’m watching some movie play on a big screen.  I have always had more faith than really should be allowed.  I mean, at times it seems as though God accidentally gave me my share and someone else’s – maybe even a few someone else’s.  So, during those nine days I refused to even say “if she dies…” The closest I could get was “if the worst of the worst happens.”  Because even though I had tons of faith, I realized that I wasn’t God and I didn’t get to make the final decision.

                Day nine started out like the previous eight.  Someone would pick me up in the morning and take me on some fun excursion to try to keep my mind occupied while my dad stayed by my mother’s bedside at the hospital 2 hours away.  My older sister had friends that were trying to keep her occupied as well. My friend and I had just gotten off the boat and put our feet on the dock when I saw my dad walking towards me.  This was rare because he never walked down to the dock at my friend’s house; he always waited up by their house while I walked the steep pathway up. 

                “Dad I was just about to go tubing one more time.  Just once more, please?”

                “No, baby.  We need to go.”  The look on his face and the solemn tone of his voice caused my world to stop spinning. 

“Did the worst of the worst happen?” I whispered.

With sad eyes, he slowly nodded and wrapped his arms around me as we started to walk up the path.  I was experiencing a moment of shock as I looked back and mumbled to my friend “I don’t have a mom anymore.”  It seemed as if I could just voice it out loud, then it would sink into my brain and it would make sense. “Oh Dad, are you okay?” I immediately asked.  For some reason, my 13 year old brain was able to grasp the fact, in that moment, that he had just lost the light of his life, his wife, the only woman he had ever loved.  My heart broke for him.  Even now I can’t recall the words he spoke in answer.  I do however remember the look in his eyes.  He was lost but I had no doubt that he would find his way.  If anyone knew how to access God’s strength, it was him.  My next question was about my sister.  “How is she handling this?”

                “Not well.”

                “Drive faster Dad.  I need to be there with her.”

                I will never forget the scene before me as I walked into the house.  My eyes danced around the room trying to take it all in.  I am wired to always be considering everyone’s feelings in a given situation.  It’s a blessing and a curse.  It’s as though I feel what someone else is feeling.  I carry their emotions as I try to balance my own.  Sometimes it’s a heavy load to carry.  The weight I felt in that moment was intense and overwhelming.  My heart broke for the tough, 300 pound man sitting at the kitchen table with his head in his hands as he cried like a baby, for the woman sitting across from him staring off into space as tears kept falling out of her eyes, and for the countless other people in the room that were in pain.  I felt the need to apologize to everyone in the room for causing them added grief and pain because when they set their eyes on me, it was apparent that not only were they dealing with their own grief, they were saddened for me as well.  Some sat in silence with tissues dabbing at their eyes.  Some paced as they pulled at their hair in frustration.  People were everywhere, grief was heavy, and tears were abundant.

                My sister was lying on the couch, with her head on someone’s lap as she cried.  I immediately went to her and wrapped her in my arms.  I did my best not to cry that afternoon or really much at all, at least in front of people.  I didn’t want to add to their grief.  I didn’t want my dad or sister to have to worry about me when their own hearts were breaking.  I comforted them as best as I could all while counting on the fact that my mom’s faith formula for strength and God, really was as simple and true as a basic math equation. 

                As the sun was setting on that day, and the house was still filled with people, I stepped out on the front porch with my dad.  I needed to verbally process some things and he was always the best listener.

                “This hurts so bad, but I want you to know that I’m gonna be okay,” I said.  My 13 year old self was somehow able to understand that this was a defining moment in my life.  This had the power to make me or break me.  This could be an emotional stumbling block for the rest of my life or a stepping stone.  I made a definitive choice in that moment to use this horrific tragedy as a stepping stone in life...to grow from it. My mom would expect no less than me rising above the circumstance.  She wouldn’t have wanted my circumstance to define my peace, my joy, or myself.  I truly believed that she was in heaven and I was going to see her again.  This fact alone gave me an unexplainable peace.  I don’t understand how I could have such peace in the midst of so much grief and pain, but that was my reality in that moment.

                Thinking of the emotional upheaval of the previous 8 days, I said, “I can’t wait for life to settle down a little and get back to normal, Dad.”

                My dad wrapped his arm around me, and looked down at me with concern in his eyes.  “It will never be normal again, baby.  We can never go back to our old normal.  We will have to make a new normal.”

                In that moment, the C.D. playing the soundtrack to my life began skipping.  His words “new normal” kept repeating in my mind.  My whole life I have wanted the latest thing: a new bike, a new pair of the trendiest shoes, the newest album from my favorite band, the newest style of clothes…the list goes on. Always the new.  Never the old.  In that moment I realized that not only did I lose my mother, but I also lost the normal day to day life that our family had.  I didn’t just lose her, everything was lost.  New normal.  What is that supposed to look like anyway?

                In the days, weeks, months and even years ahead, I would find myself grieving over and longing for the old normal.  I would trade the new for the old in a heartbeat.  Even now, there are moments where the longing for the old normal catches me unaware and I have to take a deep breath to steady my emotions and wipe the tears. Sometimes I think about how much was stolen from me and it makes me mad. I feel robbed of so many experiences with my mom that I wish I could experience with her. 

                New things, new places, new beginnings.  These are all things that are usually desirable. But sometimes I think that new is overrated.

A Crazy, Tiring, Wonderful Journey

I'm definitely a person who is future oriented and doesn't live in the past, but today, I'm feeling rather nostalgic as I celebrate my twin daughters first birthday. This last year has been crazy, to say the least.  I never dreamt I would ever have twins. The possibility of that happening was never on my radar. So, when I found out I was having twins I was floored! You could have told me I had won the lottery and I wouldn't have been more surprised. We were really happy with our 3 boys and I never felt I was missing out on not having a little girl. We were done having kids...or so we thought. We were so shocked to even be pregnant, and then they tell us we were having twins! Then a few weeks after that, they tell us they are identical girls! Life felt like a whirlwind of crazy.

One year ago I had 2 preemies (born at 34 weeks and 5 days):

Some pictures of the birthday girls today, a year later:

It's impossible to get a selfie with the 3 of us. :) 

Having twin babies is a ton of work and "they" say that if you can make it through the first year, then the chances are good that you might survive the rest. ;) Well, we survived! Hallelujah! But not without a lot of sacrifice, and lessons learned. Here are just some (of the many) things I've learned in this last year.

1. Our whole family needed these girls. 
They bring so many smiles, laughs, and joy to all of us. As far as babies go, they are really easy and adaptable. Seeing the interaction between the two of them is so entertaining. They really light up our days (and nights!).  God knew what He was doing, even when I wasn't so sure.

2. The life and career sacrifices have been worth it.
I am reminded, daily, of what really matters. My life is so much fuller now.

3. I can and do still have a life. (But I have to make a conscious effort to do so).
I was worried that two babies meant the end of everything I loved and wanted out of life. As much as I love being a wife and mom, I know that it's not healthy for me to get solely wrapped up in those two roles, that I lose myself and my identity.  They are a huge part of who I am, don't get me wrong. And aside from my faith, my family is the most important thing in my life. But I am a better wife and mother when I have the freedom to learn and grow; to experience life, dreams, and goals. There are so many irons I have in the fire right now, and that's the way I love it.

4. We have amazing people in our lives that come along beside us and pick up the slack when they see we need it. 
What would we do without our true friends? I would be in the crazy house, I'm sure.

5. My boys are going to be amazing fathers. That's a fact.
They are so tender, loving, aware, and concerned with their sisters. Sometimes I think they take better care of them than I do. ;) When the girls do something cute, or pass a milestone, the look of wonder and pride in their big brothers eyes is so endearing. It makes my heart melt.

6. All the girly clothes and pretty things are way too much fun! And I might be a little obsessed with hair bows.  :)

7. It's nearly impossible to get a good picture of two babies being happy at the same time.

Has the last year been wonderful? Yes! But, just to keep it real, we've also had some crazy moments of sleep deprived melt downs, misunderstandings, and exhausted "conversations". But those are the moments you grow. How can you become a better person and grow if you don't have challenges? Gold is refined by heat and fire. So, I'm learning to be thankful for the fire. Because even though it's painful, the end result is worth it.  With that being said...let me add an 8th thing I've learned this last year (or been reminded of)....

8. I still feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be married to Ryan. 
I wouldn't have wanted to travel this crazy journey with anyone else. He's an amazing father. Even though there are moments we drive each other crazy, at the end of it all, he's the person I respect the most. No one compares. Men of character and integrity are few and far between. Plus he's super cute. ;)

Losing Life

I always thought my uterus was invincible when it came to having babies. ;)  I have 5 kids and each of them was a surprise...especially my twin 11 month old girls! I had never experienced the loss of a baby and never thought I would, especially since I was done having babies. 

But then we were surprised to find out that I was pregnant again! Apparently birth control wasn't working for me. After the initial shock and panic, I became excited. I envisioned my family with 6 kids. I played out all sorts of scenarios in my head just to wrap my brain around this new life coming into our lives. I began feeling like McKee Baby #6 was a part of our family and we began to prepare for the little ones arrival. A bigger house was needed, a bigger car, the collection of baby gear (I had gotten rid of so much stuff from the twins already), a bunch of maternity clothes purchased...the list goes on.

When we saw the baby on the ultrasound screen a few weeks ago, with a strong beating heart, it made it even more real. But this past weekend I felt that something was wrong and went to the ER Saturday evening to get the baby checked. There was no heartbeat. They called it "Fetal Demise". There is no reason really...nothing I did or didn't do. 

I never understood why women, who had lost a baby, were so effected and sad, especially early on in the pregnancy. I totally get it now. My hormones and body have been preparing for a baby and all of the maternal instincts had already started kicking in. I believe that life begins at conception, so to me this was a life. I was this baby's mother. So whether or not I ever held him or her in my arms, doesn't change the maternal feelings I have. 

So, I'm incredibly sad, and confused. Before I got pregnant, I wanted to be done having babies. But getting pregnant, and then losing a baby is messing with my head. I know I'm not in the emotional state to make any long term decisions, but I will say that I feel like we are missing one more little McKee to our bunch. Whether I will always feel that, I'm not sure.

No one ever talks about the ugly side of miscarriage. Like having to go through labor, but with no joy at the end to make it worth it. That was a hellish experience that I never want to go through again. I'm still in quite a bit of pain, physically, so it's taking all my focus off the emotional side of things. I had already begun looking pregnant. It's weird to still see this baby bump and there be nothing inside.

I came home from the hospital to see my "Baby #6" pumpkin sitting on the porch and a package that had just arrived in the mail that I had ordered weeks ago with t-shirts for the girls that say "Big Sister". This stuff isn't fun to deal with.

But I will say, that I'm doing ok. Each day is much easier than the day before. I'm an emotionally strong person that has experienced other kinds of loss and survived. I've been through way worse and I'm stronger and better because of it. So, even though Ryan and I are sad, this won't keep us down. The love and cuddles of our 5 kids is like medicine for the soul.

My boys are sad and disappointed but they are resilient and are doing great. So, there's just a snapshot of our lives the past few days for those of you wondering and asking. Thank you for your love, support, and prayers. We are surrounded with great friends and family who help make the yucky things in life, not so yucky. Much love to you all. 

What I've Lost and Gained this Past Year, and What I've Learned From It

It's been a longggg time since I've blogged. I'm not even sure I remember how to anymore. ;) Since I was on here last, I've been on quite a journey.  Here are some brief highlights:

• Ryan and I opened 3 retail stores
• We helped produce a TV show pilot with a renowned actor, with a phenomenal bunch of people
• We moved
• We had a surprise pregnancy...that ended up surprising us even more by being identical twin girls! 
• I took on a part-time job as the kids ministry director at our church
• Ryan took on more responsibilities and became not only the music director, but the pastor there 
• I was pretty much on bed-rest most of my pregnancy (not fun!)
• We decided to move again, to be near our church and not have to commute (with 3 kids and newborn twins) to another town 
• So we closed down 2 of our stores, sold one, and have been letting life settle a bit as we get used to having 2 babies in the house

But those of you who know me well know that I can't stay idle for long.  So, of course, I have some other irons in the fire and business and creative outlets that I'm getting ready to delve into. Other than acting in a commercial early in my pregnancy, I took a break from acting and performing musically. I'm just now getting the itch and have plans to delve back in soon.

There are some valuable things I've learned over this last year. There have been a ton of changes, some I expected, some I didn't, some good, and some that were painful. I truly believe that every season of your life can be beneficial, even the hard ones, if you can learn something from it and walk away from it a better person. This past year was awesome in so many ways, and so, so hard in other ones. We lost some things and gained others. We let some dreams go, and started dreaming new dreams. That's both painful and exciting. Here are some things I've learned in this last crazy, busy, hectic, exciting, and trying year:

I've learned...

--God can give you peace when you're life is chaotic
What can I say about this that hasn't already been said by people way smarter than me? All I know is that this is sooooo true 

--I am stronger than I thought

--Even though I felt my family was complete before I had the twins, we weren't

--I love all the girl stuff that comes with having baby girls (even though I'm a tom-boy at heart)

--I love my family more every day

--I really miss sleeping

--Mascara can really mask the fact that I'm a walking zombie

--The laundry that a family of 7 can generate is about to send me to the crazy house

--I still hate laundry

--Laughter really is the best medicine

--Seasons of life always change

--I have a need to be a part of something bigger than myself...to be a part of a team

--I'm still as optimistic and hopeful as I ever was

--Friends can say they're your friends but actions speak louder than words. Can I elaborate? Thanks. :)
I have many friends, but I'm selective on who I truly let in my "inner circle".  I've had several friends in the recent past that told me that I was their closest friend and I considered them mine as well. We had many heart to heart talks, shared many common interests, passions, and goals. Friends that I thought would be in my life forever. Friends that I knew were an integral part of my journey, and I theirs. Friends that I had factored into my decision making and planning for my future, my goals, creative collaboration, etc. These friends did not make the journey with me this last year. When you lose that kind of friend, it's painful. I've learned that you can be a great friend, but that doesn't mean they will be a great friend in return.  I think it's even more painful when you can't even pinpoint a specific reason or event that triggered the separation. So you're left with doubts, and questions and you're left wondering why they chose to not walk life's path with you anymore. I would go to the ends of the earth for my friends, and when you have that same expectation for someone else, and they don't follow through, it's a big disappointment.

So what have I learned? I've learned that people let you down. But, you have to work through the pain and forgive. I've learned that this is very difficult for me.  I've learned that I hold on to the memory of what was and what could've been for way too long. I've learned that not having closure makes me feel crazy and that wondering about the what-ifs and what could've beens make me doubt myself. I've learned that it hurts and makes me so sad.  So that leads me to the next thing that I've learned...

-- to guard my heart.

--true friends are worth their weight in gold
I've also learned that true friends stick by your side no matter what. They will show up to the hospital when you've gone into pre-term labor, you're emotional, you're babies are hooked up to tubes, and bring a smile to your face when it's your birthday and you are stuck in a hospital. They show up to the business that you have to have liquidated in less than 48 hours and you are stressed because you don't want to be there. You want and need to be with your preemie babies, and they help you pack up everything into the wee hours of the morning. You never had to ask these people to come, they just show up because they know that you're family is really in the thick of a chaotic, stressful situation, and that you and your husband are both on the verge of a break down.  I've learned that actions speak louder than words. You can say you're my friend, but if you're not honest with me, authentic, and show up when times are tough, then you're actions are telling me something else. 

--I feel more empowered as a woman, wife, mother, musician, actor, writer, and business woman than I've ever felt and I'm ready to take on the world. So watch out!


We all go through different ups and downs, some people in your life walk the journey with you, some won't. But in the end, it's what you learn from the experience that will help build you and make you a better you.  Keep on keepin' on...I'm rootin' for ya.

A brief glance at what's really going on in my life...

I've been seeing a lot of posts on Facebook about 30 Days of Thankfulness.  I love to see people being grateful...for the big and little things in life.  I thought about joining in on this but I quickly realized that 30 days just wasn't enough!  I mean, don't get me wrong, my life isn't always a picnic, but I'm a very grateful person, and I have a lot to be thankful for.  I'm a very optimistic person.  I'm not a "glass half empty" or even a "glass half full" person.  I'm more of a "it may look like the glass is only half full, but really, it's probably all of the way full" person.  So, on Facebook, you will rarely see me complain.  I try to make a habit out of not complaining.  I think we have power in our words, and I try really hard to speak good things.    So, just looking at my life through a Facebook lens, it may seem like it's all roses and rainbows.  But let me tell you, I have seen hard times.

I've experienced many tragedies in my life.  A quick overview...  As a child, our dream home burnt down to the ground...nothing left.  My parents showed me, through that situation, how to get up and dust yourself off and keep going.  When we were little kids, my older sister was diagnosed with leukemia and given 6 months left to live.  But, if you know me at all, I believe in miracles.  And well, she's 30-something (she would kill me if I put her age! lol) and healthy.  She walked out of the hospital one day completely well.  The doctors were baffled.  They didn't call it remission.  They called it a miracle.  When I was ten, my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  Now, I have lots of faith in miracles, but this lady made me look like an amateur in the faith department.  Long story short, all the tests and x-rays said it was bad, very bad---BUT, when they went in for surgery, it was gone. She told them it would be, but they didn't believe her....until surgery was over and they wanted to know what kind of  new cutting edge "treatment" she had had since they had seen her last.  Her treatment was prayer, and lots of it.  

When I was thirteen, my family moved to a new town, 3,000 miles away from our family and everything that we called home.  6 months later, my Mom and one of her best friends were tragically killed in a car accident.  It was just me, my Dad and my sister left to face the world alone in this new town.  My sister took care of the laundry, and I took care of the cooking and grocery shopping.  I remember the first meal I cooked was baked chicken breasts.  I cooked 4 chicken breasts and set the table with 4 plates.  Then it hit me...only 3 were needed. What a heavy moment for a 13 year old girl.

I have had times when I made really good money and then when the economy went down the tubes, my husband, Ryan, and I lost everything we had.  Those are just words, but think about it....everything...homes, cars, furniture, etc.  It was beyond devastating.  I fought hard against allowing depression to pull me under.  No matter what we tried, nothing could pull us out of the financial hole we were in.  We felt hopeless.  Hopelessness is one of the worst feelings in the world, let me tell ya.  We just woke up, day after day, doing all we knew to do, while trying to keep our spirits up and take care of our 3 boys.  I lost all pride during that time.  I had no choice but to rely on the giving hearts of friends and family.  I will never forget those people that were there for us.  Ryan and I are givers by nature, so being "takers" was very painful for us. This wasn't a quick fix....we were in this situation for years. I am now just barely able to speak about it....and I still tear up when I do.  During this whole time, Ryan and I had a dream of what we knew we were supposed to do with our lives.  We knew that every situation that we had been through was preparing us to live our purpose.  I fully believe that everyone has something to offer the world--there's a reason you are on planet earth.  Ryan and I finally figured out what ours was, but without miracles happening, there was no way it was possible. It was like a huge mountain in front of us, and we had no climbing gear. It was also such a big dream that we were ridiculed and our motives questioned. But we didn't give up. I felt like Noah building the ark when the people had never seen it rain. Crazy Noah...crazy McKee's.

Just recently, we've had major breakthroughs.  Things I have been dreaming about and praying about since I was a kid, are starting to happen.  In some ways it's happening quickly and in others, it feels like it's taking forever.  My whole life has changed and is continuing to change....from the little everyday things to the big things.  I can barely keep up, emotionally speaking.  So, if you see me having an emotional breakdown, I promise you they are grateful tears.  

What am I thankful for??? I'm so thankful that life isn't always a valley.  There are mountaintops too. The valley was lonely and depressing and it seemed it would never end. I'm not to the top of the mountain yet, but I've been training and have climbing gear now, and I can see the top...and it's close.

I'm thankful for God's grace that has sustained me through hard times. Some call it mother nature, some call it the cosmos, etc... but I call it God.  We could argue theology all day, but really, that makes no difference to me because you can't argue with my experiences. I know that I have experienced supernatural protection, provision, grace, miracles, etc., in my life.  Something bigger than you or I.

Sisters

I'm thankful that through the experience of our house burning, I learned perseverance (God knew I was going to need that in the future!).  I'm thankful that my sister is alive and 100% healthy.  I'm thankful that God saved her life because now that my Mom is gone, I need her more than ever. 

Dad, Mom, Sister, and me

I'm thankful that I had my mom 13 years and that she showed me how to love unconditionally, how to have fun,  to have confidence and believe in the impossible.  I'm thankful for my loving, giving dad who is a steady rock through the toughest storms and yet has the gentlest heart of anyone I know. 

I'm thankful for a husband who encourages me and gives me the confidence to live my dreams.  I'm thankful that we are such a good team, not only in marriage and parenting, but in business and artistically too, and that we balance each other's 
strengths and weaknesses in crazy ways.





I'm thankful for 3 little boys that run me ragged and make me want to lose my mind at times, but always know how to make me smile.  They are three of my favorite people on the planet.




I'm thankful that when I lost my mom, grief didn't pull me under, and that at 13 years old, I was able to consciously make a choice to allow that tragedy to "make me" and not "break me".  I decided to let it be a stepping stone in my life and not a stumbling block.  I'm thankful for the season of life when Ryan and I lost everything because even though I never want to go through it again, I'm a better person because of it...that's a fact.

I'm thankful that dreams I've had and prayers I've been praying for for decades are finally being answered.  I don't go into details on Facebook about all of the little (and big) miracles that are happening in my life, because it's really not the platform or venue to do it.  But if you need some encouragement or to talk to someone who has "been there",  I would love to share a cup of coffee with you, even if it's through Skype.

Do I have bad days? OF COURSE! There are days that I don't think I have any energy left to climb the mountain. There are days that I just want to cry and curl up in a ball, away from the mean world.  You can give and give to people, and those same people can hurt you. People that you expect to be loyal to you, won't fight for you, even when you've fought for them--whether they know it or not.  People can be classless and hateful and spread lies about you. They can misjudge you and not give you the benefit of the doubt when you've never given them reason to question you.  They can throw you in front of the bus for silly reasons.  They can question your heart, your integrity, character and honesty--again, when you've given them no reason to. Just when you think you are almost to the top of the mountain, a storm can come and knock you down a bit. But, I refuse to quit.  I've come too far to give up.  I'm stubborn like that (I get that from my dad). I've been through all of those things.  It's so intensely painful. But, it will make you stronger, and you will learn some valuable lessons; who you are, who you can trust, and who you can count on to fight for you.

I'm thankful that I've learned how to not let my circumstance effect my joy.  Joy is not the same thing as happiness.  I can be going through the worst time and be unhappy, but I still have an underlying sense of joy.

If you need someone to believe in you and for you, for the impossible to happen, then I'm your gal.  I'm pulling for ya. If I can make it through, then so can you. I promise.

Wrinkles in Hollywood....is that even possible?

Just before the holidays, I celebrated my birthday. I have to admit, the whole aging process is kinda freaky. Not only do I have to deal with the normal issues that people deal with as they get older, but I am also working in an industry that values youth and shuns wrinkles, laugh lines and anything.... saggy. I woke up on my birthday morning with a weird feeling. I was expecting to wake up with a feeling of dread about being another year older, but instead, I was happy, content and felt a little more comfortable and powerful in my aging skin. As Ryan and my boys woke me up with breakfast in bed, I was overcome with thankfulness for another year to be alive. I realized that I'm growing into a woman that knows who she is and every year that passes I feel more comfortable in being who I was created to be.

I typically get cast in movies/commercials/etc. as younger than I actually am. While that may seem awesome, and it is, it can still mess with my head. I go in to these auditions with girls in their late teens and early twenties and it's easy to feel like the old lady in the room, but I've finally realized that I don't wish to be their age again. Many of these girls try to put on an heir of confidence, but it's easy to see through their facade. They are unsure of themselves and feel the need to prove who they are to the world. The older I get the less I feel like I have to prove anything. It's really quite liberating and makes the whole aging process a little less painful.

When I woke up another year older, I was thankful for another year of a life well lived, of a family that I love so much, and the opportunity to pursue a career that makes me feel alive. I used to panic when I saw the beginnings of wrinkles on my face. I can already tell I'm gonna have some major laugh lines but instead of being distraught about it, I am embracing the fact that I have had the experience to laugh at all. Now, I'm not saying I get excited when I see one, let's be realistic here. :)

I was talking to a makeup artist about my laugh lines and she stated "well, you're going to have to try not to smile and laugh so much." She was dead serious, with her perfect botoxed Hollywood face. I was shocked! I thought she had to be joking but then quickly realized  that she wasn't kidding. Really, it's a very sad reality. If that's what it takes to stay wrinkle free, then bring on the wrinkles, honey, because I truly love to laugh and I refuse to quit smiling. And really, I have an awful lot to smile about. Sitting at dinner with friends on my birthday, conversation shifted and somehow we were talking about the fabulous actress, Helen Mirren, and how she has aged with class and beauty. This inspired me. I realized that I am in a place where I feel good about myself and who I am and what I bring to the world. Am I against a little lift and tuck? No. But I don't want to look plastic either. I want to look like Jennifer McKee. So for now, I will remain myself...with aging skin...until a harmless miracle cream is invented. ;)

I recently went to an audition for a national commercial where they were looking to cast a soccer mom. It was a great, well paying gig. Just to get the audition was a big deal. I didn't get the job. I wasn't too upset about it though, because I knew that they didn't think I fit the profile of the typical soccer mom that they were looking for. I'm not a soccer mom, but I am a baseball mom. In the midst of trying to have a career, I'm driving my boys to baseball games, paintballing excursions, and snowboarding trips. I'm trying to get dinner on the table at a reasonable time and squeeze in the grocery shopping after they go to sleep because taking three boys with me to the grocery store is a disaster....I speak from experience. On top of all of this, I sneak in as much time as I can to write songs, write movie scripts, meet with producers, collaborate with artists, learn my lines to whatever project I'm working on, and work on the businesses that I own. Did I mention that I homeschool my kids? Oh yeah, add that little thing to the list. I don't want to ever have to choose between my kids and my career, because that's a no brainer. My family is at the top of the "Things in Life That are Important" list. So, I homeschool them so I never have to choose. If I have to be in L.A., then we all go and make a pit stop at Disneyland to keep things fun. So, here I am, trying hard to balance all of these things and I'm not getting the parts that most people my age are getting. I'm getting cast younger, yet I don't totally feel like I fit in with those girls either because I'm at a different point in my life than they are. I'm trying to sort out where I fit. I asked myself, since I'm getting cast younger, do I need to try to act like I'm a young twenty something to get the part? At first I felt the pressure to do so. But instead of wearing my age with shame, I've decided to wear it with pride. Yes, I'm a wife and mother...and I'm getting cast younger than my age. This is isn't something to be embarassed about and hide. I've decided that it's something to be excited about! I realize this may not always be the case, so I've decided to enjoy it while it lasts! :)

I'm learning how to be me in an industry that wants me to be all things fake. So, I go to these auditions, surrounded with young ladies and as I'm sitting there trying not to compare myself with them, I have an epiphany. These girls are longing and looking for love, and I've already got it. They are trying to figure out who they are, and I'm way ahead of them on that journey. They are dieting and trying to stay skinny, and I'm pigging out at the buffet with no worries because I've got my mother's genes...bless her soul for that. I have been through heartache and loss and have learned to have joy even when things aren't perfect around me. I've had the fun, luxurious things that money can buy then lost it all in the process of sacrificing and chasing the dream and still managed to keep my joy and faith and trust that all things work together for my good. I have lost loved ones and had moments that I didn't think it was possible to exist on this earth without them. I've grown and matured because of this extra time on my journey and it would be a shame if I tried to discount that and pretend to be something other than who I really am. I'm not saying that these girls haven't had tough times, but for the majority of them, they are just starting their journey. I realize that these young girls probably don't have the bills that I have, the laundry pile that I have, the never ending sink of dishes that I have and I'm pretty sure that they don't feel like a full-time referee, breaking up fights between 3 boys. They probably get a good nights sleep and aren't hearing every cough and breath in the middle of the night from three little boys down the hallway, but I wouldn't trade their good nights sleep and well rested, fresh faces for anything. I wouldn't trade my fine lines, wrinkles, and the grey hairs that I see from time to time (in between color jobs!) for their young beauty. I'm tired of being given a definition of beauty that is warped and skewed. I refuse to drink the koolaide. Beauty is fleeting and charm can be deceptive. I will be beautiful on the inside and hope that it flows through to the outside and that my laugh lines show a life well lived. I will do my best best to show these ladies how to age with grace and confidence. I will hold my head up high and be who my Mama taught me to be.